Dead Man's Parody
by Agent047
Summary: My parody of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
1. Not in the Wedding Plans

**Author's Welcome: Hey, everybody, welcome back! This is the second in my POTC parody series, serving as a sequel to _Parody of the Black Pearl._ Running gags and such carry over. This was originally published in 2006, and is currently undergoing revision. Once again, this is co-authored by my brother. We present to you, _Dead Man's Parody!_**

* * *

**Most Definitely NOT in the Wedding Plans**

_It's raining in Port Royal. Elizabeth is sitting on some random grass in a wedding dress, holding a boquet of flowers and looking mighty distressed. Then she sees some soldiers arresting Will._

Elizabeth: Will, what did you do at your bachelor party?

Will: Nothing! I mean, that's not why they're arresting me… I mean, what bachelor party?

Elizabeth: I think it's bad luck for the bride to see the groom before the wedding.

Will: I think it's bad luck for the groom to be arrested before the wedding.

Governor Swann: Move! Let me through!

_Governor Swann pushes past the soldiers and hurries towards Will and Elizabeth. Two soldiers bar his way with their spears._

Governor Swann: Hey, stop that. Who's in charge here anyway?

Beckett: Me!

_The governor looks around, trying to find the source of the voice._

Governor Swann: Who? Where?

Beckett: Down here.

Governor Swann: Cutler Beckett?

Beckett: Hey, that's _Lord _Beckett. Say it. _Lord_ Beckett.

Governor Swann: Lord Beckett.

Beckett: Yay! Don't you just love the way that sounds?

Will: Not particularly. Does anyone have an umbrella? The rain is messing up my hair.

Elizabeth: Screw your hair. It's not even real hair anyway. And we've got bigger problems, metaphorically speaking.

_Beckett totally misses the short joke. Instead he just starts searching his pockets._

Beckett: Oh, drat, I know I had them around here somewhere…

Mercer: Lord Beckett, did you lose the warrants?

Beckett: Um…

Mercer: After you begged to be the one to carry them and promised you'd be careful?

Beckett: Um…

Mercer: *sigh* Never mind. I made copies.

_Mercer pulls out copies of the warrants Beckett lost. Beckett steals one from Mercer and waves it with a flourish in the Governor's face._

Beckett: Here is the warrant for the arrest of William Turner.

_Governor Swann takes the paper and looks at it._

Governor Swann: No, this says Elizabeth Swann. Can't you read?

Beckett: Don't make fun of me, okay? Mommy says I'm just a late bloomer.

Will: It's too late to do any blooming.

_Beckett takes Elizabeth's warrant and throws it off the cliff._

Mercer: Sir, you still needed that.

Beckett: Then you can go get it.

_Mercer jumps off the cliff and retrieves the paper, then brings it back up to Beckett._

Beckett: Arrest her!

_The soldiers grab Elizabeth._

Elizabeth: On what charges?

Will: Yeah, what she said!

_Beckett takes another warrant from Mercer, looks at it, frowns, and then hands it back to Mercer._

Beckett: Is this the one for William Turner?

Mercer: Yes.

_Governor Swann takes the paper. Beckett takes another one from Mercer._

Governor Swann: Another? How many of those do you have?

Beckett: Just those five.

_Awkward pause._

Will: But there are only –

Beckett: Ahem, shut up please. This warrant is for James Norrington. Is he here?

Elizabeth: Does it look like he's here?

_Beckett looks around._

Elizabeth: Never mind. This is getting painful.

Governor Swann: _Commodore_ Norrington resigned a few months ago.

Mercer: If he resigned, how is he still the Commodore?

Beckett: Yeah, what he said.

Will: Look, you little stupid man…

Elizabeth: What are the charges against us? I've only asked like eighty times.

_Governor Swann reads from the warrant._

Governor Swann: This says, "Trying to do something nice to a bad guy." And "bad" is spelled wrong.

Beckett: Well, sorry that I can't be as smart as you, okay? Anyway, you guys are sentenced to be hanged.

_Governor Swann swoons and a random soldier catches him._

Beckett: Have you ever heard of a pirate named Jack Sparrow?

Will: Nope.

Elizabeth: But we have heard of _Captain Jack Sparrow._

Beckett: Yay! Now I get to arrest you! My favorite!

* * *

Revised Edition 2011.


	2. Shiny Things

**Shiny Things Make Pirates Happy**

_Gibbs is standing on the deck of the Black Pearl, singing 600,000 bottles of rum on the wall._

Gibbs: 345,701 bottles of rum on the wall, 345,701 bottles of rum! Take one down, pass it –

Parrot: SHUT UP OR SING ON KEY!

Gibbs: Fine, gosh.

_Check out that creepy prison over there. A guy chucks a coffin off a cliff into the ocean, and a crow flies nearby._

Crow: OMG look a surfboard!

_The crow lands on the coffin and pecks at it. A bomb goes off from inside the coffin and the__ crow flies away. Jack pops up from inside the coffin, then steals a leg from his skeletal bunk-mate._

Skeleton: Ow, what the heck?

Jack: Sorry, outboard motors haven't been invented yet.

_Jack uses the leg for a paddle and returns to the Black Pearl. Gibbs reaches out to help Jack onto the ship and Jack puts the leg in Gibbs' hand. Gibbs gets weirded-out._

Gibbs: Uhh... Was this in the script?

Jack: I dunno, I didn't read it. I had to resort to improv anyway. You know how these things go.

Gibbs: I guess.

_Gibbs hands the leg to Cotton._

Gibbs: So, Captain, you got what you were looking for?

Jack: Yep.

_With a flourish, Jack takes a piece of cloth out of his pocket._

Jack: Ta-dah!

_The crew stares._

Parrot: Well, that was certainly anticlimatic.

Gibbs: Captain... I'm not sure exactly how to say this... but we were hoping it would be a bit, you know, nifty. Especially with the Isla de Muerta being reclaimed by the sea and all that jazz.

Random Pirate: And with getting chased all over the ocean by that Commodore guy.

Marty: And the hurricane!

Gibbs: It has been a while since we've had any fun.

Jack: Aren't we whiny today? I'm just not good enough for you, is that it?

Parrot: Now you're catching on.

_Cotton puts his hand over the bird's beak._

Parrot: Mrawk muh phank.

Jack: Say that again and I'll demote you lower than Pintel and Ragetti.

Random Pirate: Just show us what's on that cloth that is apparently so important.

Jack: Ah, yes. The cloth!

_The monkey suddenly appears out of nowhere and takes the cloth from Jack. It runs across the deck until Jack shoots it._

Gibbs: Now you're just wasting ammo.

Jack: Your face is wasting ammo.

_Marty picks up the cloth and unfolds it._

Marty: There's nothing on it…

Jack: Oh, sorry, wrong one. That's my napkin from dinner. Here's the one you want.

Parrot: Why did you even keep your napkin?

Jack: Shut up.

Gibbs: It's a valid question.

Jack: Well, it's not a pertinent question, so just look at this cloth instead.

_Jack hands Marty a different cloth._

Marty: It's a key.

_Jack snatches the cloth back._

Jack: Of course it's not a key. What do you take me for, an idiot? No, what you have here is much better than a key. This is a _drawing_ of a key!

Parrot: I don't see how that's better.

Jack: Shut up! Now gentlemen, what do keys do?

Random Pirate: Uhh... they... open things.

Gibbs: Yes, yes! And this key must open something, and inside there's something shiny! So we're going after whatever it is this key unlocks!

Jack: Now why on earth would we do a thing like that?

Gibbs: Um, well, because you almost died looking for this drawing…

Jack: I did not almost die. I only _almost_ almost died.

Gibbs: Never mind. Why aren't we looking for what the key unlocks?

Jack: If we don't have the key, which we don't, we can't unlock what it is that we don't have that the key unlocks. So what would be the point in looking for the locked thing that we don't have that can only be unlocked by the key that we need to find first?

Gibbs: Oh... so we're looking for the key?

Jack: Wait, what?

Gibbs: Then what is the cloth for?

_Pause._

Jack: Any more questions?

Gibbs: Well, yeah, but it's really not worth it to ask, apparently.

Marty: Do we have a heading?

Jack: We will in a moment!

_Jack takes out his compass._

Jack: A heading, right. Uh, yeah, let's go, um…

_The compass is spinning in aimless circles. Jack tries to follow the needle with his finger, but gets dizzy and falls over. Finally he just points in a random direction._

Jack: Let's go that way.

Gibbs: Uhh, Captain?

Jack: Did I ask you to question my orders? Just sail. That's what you're here for.

_Crew members run off. Marty stops to speak to Gibbs._

Marty: So. That was weird.

Gibbs: No kidding. We're screwed.

* * *

Revised Edition 2011.


	3. A Pretty Snazzy Offer

**A Pretty Snazzy Offer**

_Beckett is standing in his office, trying to look important. He fails at it because he is petting a fluffy cat. Groves drags Will into the room by his ankles. Will is tied up and also shackled. He stands up and pouts because he got a rugburn._

Will: I could've walked, you know.

Groves: I'll keep that in mind for next time.

Beckett: Thanks for bringing the prisoner, Lew Turnent.

Groves: It's Lieutenant, and I really don't know why you insisted on shackles. Especially since you also ordered me to tie him up.

Beckett: Because shackles are awesome, duh. Don't you know anything?

Groves: Apparently not.

Beckett: That's why I'm awesomer than you. Now untie him. And take the shackles off too.

Groves: For real?

Beckett: Um, excuse me, I don't see very much untying going on in here.

_Groves unties Will, then unshackles him._

Groves: This is ridiculous.

Will: No, what was ridiculous was your awful singing.

Groves: Not as ridiculous as what Gillette was wearing.

Will: Very true.

Beckett: Are you talking about Will's bachelor party? I heard it was awesome.

Will: I don't know what you're talking about.

Beckett: But…

Groves: I'll just wait outside.

_Beckett pouts. Groves winks at Will, then leaves. Beckett pours milk into a bowl for the cat, then pours glasses of chocolate milk for himself and Will._

Beckett: Guess what? You work for me now.

Will: Ugh.

_Beckett offers Will a glass of chocolate milk._

Will: I'm lactose intolerant.

Beckett: That's lame. Guess I won't be needing this.

_Beckett flings the extra glass out an open window._

Beckett: Here's how this is going to work. You get to be the middle man, so I don't have to deal with your friend Jack Sparrow.

Will: He's not exactly what I'd call a friend. How do you know him, anyway?

_Beckett holds up a red-hot pirate brander and grins maniacally._

Will: Ah, I see. How nice.

_Beckett tosses the brander out the window._

Will: Why do you keep doing that?

_Beckett ignores the question._

Beckett: So, Will, since it was your fault Sparrow got away, you get to go convince him to give me something really really awesome.

Will: He's not going to do that. What do I do then? Shoot him?

Beckett: I don't care. But if you do, don't mention my name in court, savvy?

_Beckett takes a pistol out of the desk and offers it to Will._

Will: Did you just say "savvy"?

Beckett: Yes, silly. It makes me sound piratey and cool.

Will: It makes you sound weird and stupid, and I'm not taking your pistol.

_Beckett tosses the pistol out a different window, one which is not open, and the pistol shatters the window sending glass everywhere. Then the pistol goes off and shatters an expensive vase. The cat rolls its eyes._

Will: You just destroyed a perfectly good window. And that vase.

Beckett: You could always negotiate.

Will: With the window?

Beckett: No, silly, with Jack Sparrow. Haven't you been listening?

Will: Well, yeah, but then you –

Beckett: Anyway, I have some Letters of Marque. Pretty snazzy, huh?

Will: Snazzy? Who says "snazzy"?

Beckett: I do! It's so fun to say! But anyway, if you can convince Jack Sparrow to give me the awesome thing, he's free and he gets to be my personal slave for life.

Will: That's an oxy-moron.

Beckett: What did you call me?

Will: Nothing. Never mind.

Beckett: Look, Will. I'm going to hang all the pirates. And then they'll be gone. And then I'll take over the world. And you and your lady friend better watch out, buster, or I'll get you.

Will: Oh, I see. We all die and you get Captain Sparrow and the _Black Pearl_.

Beckett: The what?

Will: The _Black Pearl_. Jack's ship. The awesome thing you want.

Beckett: Um, that old gross thing is not what I want. It is totally not awesome. Eew.

Will: Better not let Jack hear you say that.

Beckett: He can't, silly. He's not here.

Will: If you call me "silly" one more time I think I'm going to throw up.

Beckett: Well I'm sorry that you have a problem with my terminology. Anyway. I heard that there's something special about Jack's compass.

_Will's poker face sucks._

Will: What compass?

Beckett: You know what compass.

Will: No I don't…

Beckett: Right. And pigs fly.

Will: You fly?

Beckett: Bring me that compass, Will, or Liz gets the kibosh.

Will: What's a kibosh?

Beckett: I dunno, but I've heard people say it, and it sounded kinda snazzy.

Will: Well, I'll add that to my list of "Words That Only Beckett Uses".

* * *

Revised edition 2011.


	4. Going Nowhere Specific Very Quickly

**Going Nowhere Specific Very Quickly**

_On the Black Pearl, Jack is doing his best Norrington impression and staring uselessly at a map. The course he plotted goes in zigzags and doubles back on itself._

Jack: Oh, come on you dumb compass.

Compass: If you're going to insult me, then I'm not going to cooperate.

Jack: I don't remember you having lines in the script…

Compass: I thought you didn't read the script.

_Jack pouts, and picks up a rum bottle. He peers into it, turns it upside down, and is disappointed to find that it's empty._

Jack: Why is the rum always gone?

_Jack checks his blood-alcohol level and it's off the charts._

Jack: Right.

_Jack goes down to the cargo hold to search for more rum. All he finds is a bottle of sand._

Jack: Five dollars would have been more exciting.

_Suddenly Bootstrap's voice comes out of nowhere._

Bootstrap: You're out of time, Jack.

Jack: No, I'm out of rum.

_Jack suddenly realizes that he is speaking to a disembodied voice._

Jack: Bootstrap? Is that you?

Bootstrap: Heck yes. You look good, Jack.

Jack: You don't. We ought to change your name to Barnacle Bill.

Bootstrap: Oh, thanks.

Jack: You're welcome. Now tell me, you're not a dream, are you?

Bootstrap: Nope.

Jack: Of course you're not. If you were a dream, you'd bring rum.

_Bootstrap holds up a bottle of rum._

Bootstrap: I brought you some rum.

_Jack is weirded-out._

Jack: Uh... gee, thanks.

_Jack drinks some of the rum._

Bootstrap: I see you got the _Pearl _back.

Jack: Did I? I hadn't noticed.

Bootstrap: Really the sarcasm is just wasting time.

Jack: Fine. Actually, it's only thanks to your son I've got the ship back.

Bootstrap: William?

Jack: No, your other only son.

Bootstrap: What did I just tell you about the sarcasm?

Jack: Well if you wouldn't say such obvious things I wouldn't have to be sarcastic. Yes, I'm talking about William.

Bootstrap: So he finally ended up a pirate.

Jack: Sort of. He hasn't quite got the knack of it. But anyway, enough small talk. What are you doing here?

Bootstrap: What's wrong? Can't a guy visit an old friend?

Jack: Under normal circumstances, yes. But considering you're dead, I have concluded that there must be some special reason for your visit.

Bootstrap: Davy Jones sent me.

Jack: So he managed to trick you into joining him?

Bootstrap: Actually, it's your fault. If I hadn't stood up for you after the mutiny, Barbossa wouldn't have tied me to that cannon, and I wouldn't have been stuck at the bottom of the ocean being skooshed and unable to die, and I wouldn't have been forced to make a deal with Davy Jones.

Jack: You must've learned logic from me.

Bootstrap: You made a deal with him too, remember?

Jack: I do not remember. Must be the rum.

Bootstrap: Probably. Anyway, Davy Jones unsank the _Pearl_ for you… Speaking of which, how did it get sunk in the first place?

Jack: Ask Ragetti.

Bootstrap: I will. But now you've been Captain of the _Black Pearl_ for thirteen years and –

Jack: Not _technically_.

Bootstrap: Good luck with that argument. Jones is really not into negotiating.

Jack: Think he'd take a bribe?

Bootstrap: All he wants is your soul, and one hundred years of service.

Jack: Yes, but I've got this really nice crystal tea set that…

Bootstrap: That sounds kinda girly.

Jack: Well, yeah, that's why I want to get rid of it.

Bootstrap: I'll say this simply. You have to serve on the _Dutchman_.

Jack: Well, seeing as the _Flying Dutchman_ already has a captain, I'll have to get on his waiting list.

Bootstrap: He doesn't have a waiting list. You have two choices. Serve, or go to the locker via the Kraken Express.

Jack: Uhh... Does Jones offer a grace period? A phone call?

Bootstrap: We've been through this, Jack. Time's up.

_Bootstrap raises his hand._

Bootstrap: Gimme five.

Jack: What?

Bootstrap: High five.

Jack: Why?

Bootstrap: Just do it, okay?

_Jack hesitantly gives Bootstrap five. The black spot suddenly appears on his hand._

Jack: Eff.

_Jack runs up on deck, having a somewhat severe freak-out attack._

Jack: Can't this thing go any faster?

Gibbs: What is your problem?

Jack: Nothing!

_Jack hides around a corner and wraps his marked hand in cloth to hide the spot._

Gibbs: Do we have a heading?

Jack: Just sail anywhere. Any land is good!

_The monkey comes out of nowhere and takes Jack's hat and throws it into the water._

Gibbs: Stupid monkey. Everybody turn around, we gotta get the hat.

Jack: No, leave it!

_Pintel faints from shock._

_Jack runs and hides under some stairs. Gibbs finds him._

Gibbs: Jack, what the heck is chasing us?

Jack: Wouldn't you like to know.

Gibbs: Um, yes. That's why I asked.

Jack: Well too bad.

Gibbs: You are freaking impossible.

* * *

Revised Edition 2011!


	5. Purposeful Aimless Wanderings

**Purposeful Aimless Wanderings**

_Will tries to enter the prison and go to Elizabeth but a guard stops him._

Guard: You shall not pass!

Will: Says who?

Guard: Says me.

Will: And you are…?

Guard: Gandalf the Gray!

Will: No, he was taller. I would know.

Governor Swann: If you don't let us in I'll tell Beckett that it was you who fed his cat that 5-pound bag of M&M's and made him sick for a week.

Guard: But… but that was Norrington!

Governor Swann: Yeah, well, who's Beckett going to believe, me or you?

Guard: Fine. Go for it.

_Will goes over to Elizabeth._

Guard: Your wig looks ridiculous, by the way.

Governor Swann: Yeah, well, it keeps my head warm.

Elizabeth: Why on earth would Beckett want Jack's compass? It's broken anyway.

Will: Yeah, but Beckett doesn't know the difference between North and South. He probably doesn't even know that there is a difference, so it doesn't really matter. I'll convince Jack to come back here and then Beckett will free us.

Governor Swann: Good luck with that.

Will: What, don't you trust me?

Governor Swann: Oh, I trust you, I just think you're about three ships short of an armada. Now where's that dog with the keys…?

Elizabeth: Don't worry about it, Will. I'm sure you'll figure something out. Do you have a plan?

Will: Well, first I'm going to Tortuga.

_Pause._

Will: To look for Jack, of course.

Elizabeth: How many bachelor parties do you need?

Will: I already told you, that wasn't a bachelor party.

Elizabeth: Just because Groves was there and he's technically married doesn't make it not a bachelor party.

_Behind them, Governor Swann is messing with the light fixture. It breaks, and gets caught in his wig, and the wig catches on fire. Governor Swann flings the wig on the ground and stomps the fire out. In the process of stomping, he rips his pants._

Guard: Are those Jack Sparrow boxers?

_The awkward is painful, so Will turns his attention back to Elizabeth._

Will: I'd kiss you, but your father is watching. We'll have to save it for later.

Elizabeth: Then why didn't you kiss me while his wig was still on fire?

Will: I forgot.

_Elizabeth pouts._

_Will goes to Tortuga and asks people if they've seen Jack. First he meets an armless hobo._

Will: Hey, have you seen Jack Sparrow lately?

Armless Hobo: Jack Sparrow? Oh, yeah, I killed him last week. Sorry.

Will: Somehow I doubt that.

Armless Hobo: Oh yeah?

Will: Yeah. You don't have any arms. What did you do, throw a knife with your teeth?

_Will leaves the armless guy and looks elsewhere. He finds a guy playing checkers with himself._

Will: Has Jack Sparrow been around here recently?

Checkers Guy: I have no idea who Jack Sparrow even is.

Will: Well, if you ever meet him, don't tell him that.

Checkers Guy: If I ever meet him, it won't be true anymore, now, will it?

Will: Aren't we clever today.

_Now Will comes across a random man who is striking a pose of nonchalance against a building._

Will: I don't suppose you've seen Jack Sparrow recently, have you?

Random Man: Nope, sorry. Hey, wait a minute, I know you. Sweet party, man.

Will: Oh, thanks. Yeah, those Navy guys really know how to party.

Random Man: No kidding. Your friend Groves is crazy awesome.

Will: The best part is, he doesn't even remember why!

Random Man: I don't doubt it! Take care, man, good luck with your wife and all.

Will: Thanks, you too!

_Will walks away and feels like an idiot for misuse of the "you too" phrase. Next Will meets Scarlett and Giselle._

Will: Okay, you have to have seen Jack Sparrow recently, right?

Giselle: Jack Sparrow?

Scarlett: I freaking hate that guy.

Giselle: He cheated on both of us!

Scarlett: With each other!

_They both slap Will._

Will: Sorry I asked.

_Next he goes to the docks and finds a sailor guy._

Will: I don't suppose you know anything about Jack Sparrow.

Sailor: You mean the guy with the sparrow tattoo?

Will: Well his name isn't Jack Kookaburra.

Sailor: Just checking. Anyway, I haven't seen him per se, but I know where his ship is.

Will: At this point, that is massive progress.

_Will and some guy are in a rowboat heading towards an island. Suddenly the guy stops rowing the boat._

Will: What the heck? The island's right there!

_The guy blabbers at Will in some foreign language._

Will: You know... never mind. I'll swim.

_Will stands up and falls off the boat. He doggie-paddles to the island, and finally reaches shore. He walks up onto shore, gasping for air. He leans up against a conveniently placed wall to catch his breath, then realizes that the wall is acutally the side of the Black Pearl._

Will: Hey Jack, are you there? Mr. Gibbs? …Marty? …Cotton's parrot? …anyone?

_Will figures they must have gone off into the forest._

Will: I figure they must have gone off into the forest.

_Will wanders into the forest, looking around. He sees a familiar bird, the parrot that belongs to Cotton._

Will: Am I glad to see you!

Parrot: I dunno. Are you?

Will: Yes!

Parrot: Great. I suppose now you're going to eat me.

Will: What? I'm not going to eat you. That's weird.

Parrot: Yeah, no kidding.

_The parrot flies away._

Will: (confused face)

* * *

Revised edition 2011.


	6. Freaky Cannibalistic Face Paint

**Freaky Cannibalistic Face Paint**

_Will wanders aimlessly through the forest and gets hopelessly lost. Then he sees Gibbs' canteen hanging from a bush._

Will: Gibbs?

Canteen: Haven't seen him. And frankly, I don't care if I ever do again, after he left me here to…

Will: Shut up. You're not supposed to have lines.

_If the canteen had a face, it would be pouting right now._

_Will starts to walk away but gets caught in a trap and is suddenly hanging upside-down by his ankle. Cannibals show up and surround him. Will, naturally, draws his sword and flails it around._

Will: What now, suckers! I've got you now!

_He totally doesn't. All he gets is knocked unconscious with a poison dart, tied to a stick, and carried into the cannibal camp to the throne of the cannibal king. It's Jack, and he has eyeballs painted all over his body._

_Will wakes up and notices Jack._

Will: Jack, is that you? Who did your makeup?

_Jack gives Will a weird look and pokes him with a stick._

Will: I'm not poisonous, you know.

Jack: What do you want, a hug?

Will: It would be preferable to being tied to this stick.

_Jack turns and speaks to the cannibals in cannibal code._

Jack: The swan is in the bungalow, do you copy?

Cannibals: Copy that. This also pertains to the corned purple beefsteak.

Will: Hey, Jack. A little help here?

_Jack speaks to Will in cannibal._

Jack: Vector section seven.

Will: Are you speaking in code?

_Jack circles around Will, apparently examining him. Then he turns and speaks to the cannibals again._

Jack: His turtle is in the shell, if you know what I mean.

Will: What? I don't have a turtle…

Cannibals: Umm… gross.

Will: Okay, whatever. Jack, someone gave Lord Beckett power, and now he's trying to show it off. I need your compass to save Elizabeth.

Jack: I really don't see how those two things go together at all…

Will: Untie me and I'll explain.

Jack: Untie _me_ and _I'll_ explain.

Will: Jack, you're not tied up.

Jack: I was speaking metaphorically, you numbskull.

_Jack stands up and turns to the cannibals._

Jack: We have a code peridot, I repeat, code peridot. The wallaby can tell time.

_The cannibals take Will away._

Will: Peach cobbler found the crossroads! See, I can do it too!

Jack: Will, don't talk nonsense.

Will: You're a freak.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	7. Jailbreak

**Jailbreak**

_Governor Swann sneaks into the prison to break Elizabeth out of jail._

Elizabeth: What are you doing?

Governor Swann: Breaking you out of jail. Duh.

Elizabeth: Why?

Governor Swann: I'm sending you to England.

Elizabeth: But Will's gone to find Jack!

Governor Swann: And?

Elizabeth: Will's a winner.

Governor Swann: Yeah, well, so is Charlie Sheen, apparently.

_Governor Swann leads Elizabeth to a carriage. He tells her to wait inside while he goes to speak to the Captain._

Captain: (dies after having been shanked by Mercer)

Mercer: Oh hey, Governor. Lovely evening, isn't it?

_Governor Swann is still staring at the dead guy._

Mercer: Yes, congrats, that man is dead. Very good. We're actually here to talk about the letter you wrote to the king. Incriminating, to say the least.

_Long pause._

Governor Swann: What say we go back to my place for some scones? They're blueberry...

_Mercer ignores him and opens the door of the carriage. Elizabeth isn't there._

Mercer: Where did she go?

Governor Swann: Um... Who? Went where?

_Mercer and his cronies pin Governor Swann up against the carraige, and look like they're about to resort to Mafia tactics._

Governor Swann: Blueberry scones. The offer still stands.

Mercer: I'm allergic to blueberry.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	8. Futile Negotiations with Beckett

**Lessons in Futility: Negotiating with Beckett**

_Beckett wanders into his office, looking for his cat. He crawls under his desk, calling for the cat._

Beckett: Here, kitty, kitty. Aunt Kyle, where are you?

_Yeah. He named his cat Aunt Kyle._

_Beckett stands up, banging his head on the desk, knocking the small chest off the table. Beckett then remembers to crawl out from under the table before standing up._

Beckett: Has aspirin been invented yet?

Inventor of Asprin who hasn't been born yet: No.

Beckett: Darn.

_Beckett suddenly notices that the chest, which has fallen off the table, is missing something. Oh, it's the letters of Marque!_

Beckett: Well, someone certainly bunkoed me!

_Elizabeth appears out of the shadows._

Elizabeth: I did not just hear you use the word "bunkoed".

Beckett: What are you doing here?

Elizabeth: I'm here to negotiate.

Beckett: I'm listening.

_Elizabeth cocks a pistol and holds it to Beckett's forehead._

Beckett: I'm listening.

Elizabeth: You already said that.

Beckett: I did? When?

Elizabeth: Like one second ago.

Beckett: Don't tell lies. It's mean.

Elizabeth: Uh… my bad. Anyway. These letters, they're signed by the King, right?

Beckett: Yeah, but they're not signed by me, so ha!

Elizabeth: Obviously. You think I hang around here because I like the wallpaper?

Beckett: You don't like it?

Elizabeth: Frankly, it sucks. Anyway, finding Jack Sparrow and his compass is basically pointless. There's something you should know about the treasure.

Beckett: What, is it cursed?

Elizabeth: Actually, yes.

Beckett: Oh. Well, anyway, I'm not after that treasure. I'm looking for something else.

_Elizabeth shoves the pistol under Beckett's chin._

Beckett: Hey, is that my pistol?

_Elizabeth cocks the pistol… again?_

Elizabeth: Just sign the letters.

_Elizabeth shoves the letters into Beckett's chest. Beckett takes them, puts hot wax on them, burns himself, stamps the wax with his ring, then burns himself again._

Beckett: Ow, that hurt!

Elizabeth: Watch out, the wax is hot.

Beckett: Yeah, I know, I just burned myself on it.

Elizabeth: For the love of… Just sign the letters.

Beckett: Fine, Mrs. Bossy. Why are you trying so hard to free Jack Sparrow anyway?

Elizabeth: I'm not.

Beckett: Then what do you want the letters for?

Elizabeth: For Will. Duh. And it's Miss Bossy, still. You kinda destroyed my wedding.

_Beckett gives Elizabeth the letters and she looks at them._

Elizabeth: This isn't a signature. It's just a bunch of squiggly lines.

Beckett: Cursive is hard, okay?

Elizabeth: You are unbelievable.

_Elizabeth leaves. Beckett shouts after her._

Beckett: I still want the compass!

_He pouts for a minute then goes back to looking for his cat._

Beckett: Aunt Kyle? Where did you go?

* * *

Revised Edition 2011.


	9. Two Pirates and a Dog in a Rowboat

**Two Very Mortal Pirates in a Rowboat with the Key Doggie**

_Ragetti and Pintel are sitting in a sucker little rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Ragetti is trying to pretend to read, and making Pintel do all the rowing._

Ragetti: I say it was supernatural intervention what escaped us from jail.

Pintel: I don't even know what those words mean. And anyways, it was me being clever what got us out.

Key Doggie: You? Clever? You both know it was all me.

Ragetti: (ignores the dog) If that's true, there must have been some sort of supernatural intervention.

Pintel: Huh?

Ragetti: Anyhoo, I'm not stealing any ship.

Pintel: We're not stealing, we're long-term borrowing. Why would you care either way?

Ragetti: Because we ain't immortal no more. We gotta take care of our immortal souls.

_Ragetti points at the open page._

Pintel: You know you can't read.

Ragetti: It's the Bible. You get points for trying.

Pintel: But faking it is lying, so that's negative points.

Key Doggie: Hey, look! The _Black Pearl_ is on that island!

Pintel: Hey, he's right!

Key Doggie: CANNONBALL!!!

_The dog jumps into the water._

Ragetti: He's going to swim?

Pintel: Maybe he saw a catfish.

Ragetti: That's lame.

_A wave overturns the rowboat. Ragetti and Pintel walk the rest of the way to shore._

Pintel: It's all mine!

Ragetti: Hello...

Pintel: Right, ours, all ours.

Ragetti: If we say we're salvaging, it'll be like saving.

Pintel: Good idea.

_They climb up to the ship to begin "salvaging"._

* * *

Short chapter, but the scene is short. I hope I'll be able to update again soon. 


	10. Invited to be Dinner

**Invited to (be) Dinner**

_Jack is sitting on the cannibal throne. A cannibal puts a necklace of human toes and other various assorted body parts around Jack's neck._

Jack: Is this a spleen?

Cannibal: No, I think that's a liver. This one is the spleen.

Jack: Oh, right. Thanks a million.

_The cannibal goes away. Jack bites one of the toes._

Jack: Ew! Tastes like eunuch!

_Will, Gibbs, and other assorted crew members are hanging in cages made of bones over a vast canyon thing._

Will: This doesn't make any sense. Isn't Jack the chief?

Gibbs: Yeah, he is. But only as long as he acts like one.

Will: Wow, I'm sure he's having a tough time with that one.

Gibbs: Yeah, except the cannibals think he's a god.

Will: I'm still having some trouble figuring out why this is a problem for Jack…

_Cotton bites Gibbs's hand._

Gibbs: Ow! Yes, they're going to eat him, as soon as the drums stop, but that doesn't mean you have to demonstrate!

Will: Eew, bad idea. They don't know where he's been. Hey, where's the rest of the crew?

Gibbs: You're sitting in them.

_Will freaks out then leans out of the cage and pukes._

Gibbs: Okay, well, that reaction was a little more melodramatic than I was expecting.

Will: You're melodramatic. Shut up.

_Up at the feast, the cannibals have just finished preparations for their bonfire._

Jack: No! Um, no! Big fire! More wood!

_Cannibals all go to get more wood, and Jack makes his typical escape. He runs away into a hut, for some reason. It's not like he'll be safe there. Anyway, he finds some rope and a silver thing with the East India Trading Company emblem on it. The silver thing is really a paprika shaker. Jack steps out of the hut and finds cannibals waiting for him._

Jack: Um, yeah... How about some seasoning?

_Jack shakes some paprika on his armpits. He sniffs himself and faints from the smell. The cannibals drag him back to the roasting spit and tie him to it._

Jack: This situation is going to suck in about five seconds...

_The people in the cages are swinging them, trying to reach the walls of the cliffs. They grab onto vines and start to climb._

Gibbs: Okay, everyone, climb!

Will: It's gonna take all of us to crew the Black Pearl!

Pirate in other Cage: Actually, not. About six will do. Hey, cool! There's six of us in each cage!

_Pause._

Pirate: Crap...

_The two groups start climbing frantically, trying to be the first to the top. A cannibal kid walks onto the bridge overhead._

Will: Stop!

Pirate in other Cage: Yeah, right, sucker.

_The other cage continues to climb. Will grabs a snake and throws it at the other cage. The pirates in the cage see the snake and freak out, and the cage falls into the canyon._

Will: Sucks for them.

_The cannibal notices what's going on and runs off to report it. He gets to the feast and starts blabbering loudly in cannibal. The cannibals stand around, looking confused._

Jack: I swear, you people wouldn't breathe if I didn't tell you to. Go get them!

_The cannibals run off. One of them drops a torch on the logs underneath Jack, and they catch on fire._

Jack: No no! Not good! FIRE!

_Jack tries to blow the fire out. It just gets bigger._

_Will and the other pirates get the cage to the top of the cliff and try to break it open. But, oops, the cannibals are coming, so they run, rolling the cage. It rolls up a tree and falls back down, but doesn't break._

Will: Dang it. There goes that plan.

Gibbs: Lift it like a lady's skirt!

Will: How am I supposed to know how to do that?

Gibbs: I dunno. You're the eunuch.

_The pirates lift the cage and run. The cannibals chase them. Meanwhile, Jack manages to get off the spit, but the long log thing is still tied to his back. Finding two cannibal ladies, Jack performs some clumsy maneuvers that end up ticking off the cannibal women, so that they throw coconuts and other fruit at him._

_Will and the other pirates in the cage jump off a cliff into water, and break the cage._

Will: Yes! Sweet freedom!

_They swim for cover while the cannibals shoot arrows at them. Luckily, the cannibals have worse aim than Norrington's military did in the first movie, so Will and the pirates are safe._

_Jack has managed to catch various coconuts and fruit on the ends of his pole. He yells at the cannibal women to stop throwing fruit at him, and then he performs a really cool pole-vault stunt to get to the other side of the gorge._

Jack: Haha, suckers!

_The fruit starts to pull him off-balance._

Jack: Not good...

_Jack falls backwards off the cliff, through various wooden bridges, at one point hanging upside down by his ankle, then falling through other wooden bridges. Lucky for him, this maneuver unties the ropes holding him to the pole. He lands on his back on the ground, and watches as all the fruit lands on the ground near him, and the pole just barely misses his head._

Jack: Someone invent asprin, quick.

_Ragetti and Pintel have almost succeeded in getting the Black Pearl ready for departure._

Pintel: Hey! Do that thing with the one rope thing!

Ragetti: Stupid monkey! Give me back my eye!

_Ragetti and the monkey scurry around the deck._

Ragetti: No, don't BITE it! Give it back!

Pintel: Hello! That rope? Or line, whatever, pull it loose!

Ragetti: It's got me eye! Make him give it back!

Pintel: What are you, five? How did you get it back last time?

_Gibbs and the rest of the crew come up behind Pintel._

Gibbs: Yes! The work's half done!

Pintel: Uh... yeah!

Ragetti: We totally did that on purpose, too, just for you guys.

Pintel: Right. It was all for you, the whole time.

Gibbs: Skip it, will ya? Make ready to sail!

Will: What about Jack? I won't leave without Jack!

_Jack rounds a corner, being chased by a gajillion cannibals._

Will: On second thought…

Gibbs: Cast off those lines!

Ragetti: Told you they was called lines.

Pintel: You did not!

Gibbs: Who cares? Call them jelly beans if you like, just cast them off!

_Jack sprints out to the water, then swims to the Black Pearl and climbs up on a line._

Jack: Children! This is the day that you will always remember as the day...

_A wave totally ruins the moment._

Jack: Fortunately you've all seen the first movie and at least know what I was going to say.

_Jack gets pulled onto the ship._

Gibbs: Let's put some distance between us and this island and head out to open sea.

Jack: Yes, put distance between us and the island. Yes, head out to open sea, but keep to the shallows.

Gibbs: How am I supposed to do that?

Jack: Be creative. You'll think of something. Now where's that bloody monkey? I am in a decidedly foul mood and want to shoot something to make myself feel better.

_The monkey appears seemingly out of nowhere, and drops Ragetti's eye._

Ragetti: YES!

Will: Jack.

Jack: William.

Will: Jack…

Jack: William.

Will: Jack –

Jack: William. This is fun!

Will: Stop it! Elizabeth is in danger.

Jack: Of course she is. Why else would you be here? Why don't you just lock the girl up someplace?

Will: She is locked up. In prison. She's going to hang for helping you.

Jack: Well, I must say I'm flattered, but she needn't risk her pretty neck for me.

_Will grabs a sword from a random pirate nearby and holds it to Jack's throat._

Will: I need your compass, Jack. I need to trade it for her freedom.

Jack: That's great, Will. Not now, huh?

_Jack moves the sword away and continues talking to Gibbs._

Jack: Gibbs, we have a need to go upriver.

Gibbs: A "need", you say? Is this one of those "needs" that pops into your head when you want to distract yourself from the hotheaded, sword-wielding blacksmith?

Jack: No, this is one of those life-and-death needs.

Gibbs: Oh, awesome.

Will: What we need is to go to Port Royal as fast as we can!

Jack: William, I will give you the compass if you'll help me with a little something first.

Will: What kind of a something?

_Jack pulls the cloth drawing of the key out of his pocket._

Jack: A something that involves the finding of this.

Will: You want me to find this?

Jack: No, you want you to find this. Because the finding of this will help you in the saving of what's her face. Kapeish?

Will: This is going to save Elizabeth?

_Ominous theme music plays._

Jack: How much do you know about Davy Jones?

_Ominous, climactic pause._

Will: Who?

Jack: Then, yes, it will save Elizabeth.

* * *

Revised edition 2011.


	11. The Ballad of Fishface Jones

**The Ballad of Fishface Jones**

_On board some random ship, two sailors, Joseph R. Shelton and Christopher Lowsley-Hughes, are fighting over a dress. Their Captain walks up and is quite disturbed by the sight._

Captain: Uh... that's great, guys. But if you have to cross-dress, do it where I can't see, okay?

Joseph R. Shelton: We're not cross-dressers, sir. The ship is haunted.

Captain: That's fascinating.

Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: There's a woman here. We all have felt her.

Captain: Oh... how... nice.

Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: No, no, not like that, I mean, we can sense her presence!

Random Sailor 1: It probably belongs to a lady, sir.

Captain: Oh, now we've got that mystery cleared up.

Random Sailor 1: She was probably widowed before her marraige, and now is searching for her husband lost at sea.

Random Sailor 2: Probably a virgin, too. We're screwed.

_Elizabeth is standing nearby, painting graffiti on the ship's railing. She hears the sailors talking._

Joseph R. Shelton: I say we throw the dress overboard and hope the spirit follows.

Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: No! That'll just make her mad! We need to try and help her!

_The sailors start fighting over the dress again._

Captain: SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!!

_The sailors shut up._

Captain: All this means is that there's a stowaway on board. A woman, obviously. So go find her.

_Nobody moves._

Captain: She's probably naked.

_All the sailors run. Elizabeth pretends to care about naked women, so she won't be discovered._

_The Black Pearl is anchored and the crew is in rowboats, going upriver through a creepy swamp._

Will: Why is Jack scared of water?

Gibbs: Because the kraken is coming after him.

Will: Oh.

_Pause._

Will: What's a kraken?

Gibbs: A giant hell-monster with tentacles that drag entire ships underwater. It does whatever Davy Jones tells it to. And people say it smells nasty, like dead people.

Will: And Jack thinks a key can save him from this kraken thing?

Gibbs: That's what he'd like to know. Which is why he's going to visit her.

Will: Her?

Gibbs: Yep.

Will: But that doesn't answer my question...

_Gibbs doesn't care._

_The rowboats continue up to a hut, and Jack climbs out of the boat onto the hut's "porch". It's not really a porch, but what else do you call it? A to-stand-on-thingy?_

Jack: No worries! Tia Dalma and I are like peas and carrots. Best of friends. Well... we were... sort of...

Gibbs: Jack...

Jack: Okay, fine. We kinda knew each other once.

Gibbs: I've got your back.

Jack: It's me front I'm worried about.

Gibbs (to Will): Mind the boat.

Will (to Ragetti): Mind the boat.

Ragetti (to Pintel): Mind the boat.

Pintel: No!

Ragetti (to Marty): Mind the boat.

Marty (to Cotton): Mind the boat.

Parrot (to Cotton): Mind the boat, sucker.

_Cotton remains in the boat to mind it._

_Jack creeps into Tia Dalma's hut. _

Tia Dalma: Jack Sparrow.

Jack: Yep, that's me!

Tia Dalma: I figured you'd come back.

_She sees Will._

Tia Dalma: You, William Turner, have a touch of destiny about you.

Will: What does that mean? And how do you know my name? Did you know my father too?

Tia Dalma: You want to know me...

Jack: No he doesn't. We've come for help. And we're not leaving until we get it. I thought I knew you.

Tia Dalma: Apparently not. Over here.

_Jack and Will follow her over to a table._

Tia Dalma: What do you want? And before you answer, did you bring payment?

Jack: Of course I did. Check this out.

_He brings over the monkey in a cage, takes out his pistol and shoots it. It doesn't die._

Jack: Undead monkey! Pretty tight, huh?

Tia Dalma: Yep.

_She opens the cage and the monkey scurries over to sit on (drumroll please) Barbossa's boots!_

Gibbs: Don't let it out! Are you insane? Do you have a death wish?

Tia Dalma: The payment is fair.

Jack: Oh good!

_Will puts the drawing of the key on the table._

Will: We're looking for this.

Tia Dalma: Can't your compass lead you to it?

Jack: Uh... maybe?

Tia Dalma: Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants...

Jack: Yes I do! I just... don't know what I want most...

Tia Dalma: Whatever. Anyway, this key unlocks a chest, and what's inside the chest is pretty interesting.

Gibbs: What's inside?

Pintel: Shiny things?

Ragetti: I hope it's not another monkey...

Tia Dalma: You've all heard of Davy Jones, right?

_Jack pretends to think really hard._

Jack: Nope.

Tia Dalma: Your sarcasm's gonna get you into trouble someday. Davy Jones is, er, was, a great man of the sea. Until, of course, he got sidetracked.

Will: Sidetracked by what?

Gibbs: Drowning?

Pintel: Math?

Ragetti: Einstein's theory of relativity?

Pintel: Who's Einstein?

Ragetti: I... don't know.

Jack: His mom?

Tia Dalma: Close, but no biscuit. I'll just tell you. He got sidetracked by a woman. He fell in love.

Gibbs: I heard it was the sea he fell in love with.

Tia Dalma: No, that's the American version. Either way, it doesn't make a difference. The woman was as unpredictable as the sea. He still loved her, but the pain it caused him was too much to live with, though not enough to die.

Jack: Tough luck.

Will: So what did Jones put in the chest? The divorce papers? The marraige license?

Tia Dalma: His heart.

Ragetti: Literally or figuratively?

Pintel: You mean there's a difference?

Ragetti: Didn't you ever pay attention in school?

Pintel: I never went to school.

Ragetti: Now that you mention it, neither did I...

Pintel: Then how do you know all these big words?

Ragetti: The monkey taught me.

Tia Dalma: Jones figured fleeting joys weren't worth it, so he carved out his heart and locked it up in the chest, which he buried somewhere. He keeps the key with him at all times.

_Will looks at Jack_.

Will: You knew this.

Jack: Says who? I never knew where the key was until now. But now we do know. Isn't that marvelous? Now all we have to do is climb aboard the Flying Dutchman, steal the key from Davy Jones, find the chest, unlock it, take the heart, sail back to Port Royal, and save Elizabeth!

Will: Yeah. Real simple.

Tia Dalma: Jack, let me see your hand.

_Jack shows her the back of his unmarked hand._

Tia Dalma: You know what I mean...

_Jack shows her the spot._

Gibbs: IT'S THE BLACK SPOT!!!

_Gibbs dives out the window._

Ragetti and Pintel: BLACK SPOT!!!

_They dive out the window._

Jack: Thanks for pointing it out, mates, I really hadn't noticed until now that there was a vile discoloration forming and spreading itself across the epidermis of my dominant hand.

_Cricket, cricket..._

_Tia Dalma wanders to the back of the hut and rummages around through the junk pile. While her back is turned, Jack steals more expensive stuff from her desk. After a moment, Tia Dalma returns, carrying a jar of dirt._

Tia Dalma: Davy Jones can only go on land once every ten years. You're safe on land, unless, of course, Norrington has his posse there waiting for you...

Jack: Ha! Told you Norrington had a posse!

Tia Dalma: Anyway, you'll carry land with you.

_She hands Jack the dirt. Jack stares at it as if it's the craziest thing he's ever seen in his life._

Jack: Dirt. A jar of dirt. Gee, wow, that's great. I don't know what to say.

Tia Dalma: If you don't want it, you can give it back.

_Jack hugs the dirt and pouts like he's five._

Jack: Mine.

Tia Dalma: Fine. Then don't complain.

_Jack sticks out his tongue._

Will: It seems that we have a need to find the Flying Dutchman.

Jack: Thank you, Mister Obvious. As if everyone in this room didn't know that.

_Tia Dalma picks up the random pieces of junk and throws them at Jack for being sarcastic. Jack hurries from the hut to avoid death, and the other pirates follow._

* * *

No band tonight, so I had a chance to update. Like it says in my profile, I got a part in the play, so I'll be even busier now. Therefore, I thought I owed you a long chapter before I go away. It's not particularly funny, and parts were almost torture to parody, but bear with me. I have a lot of super-brilliant ideas for upcoming chapters... 


	12. A Little Math

**A Little Math**

_The Black Pearl is sailing through a storm. They come across a ship that has wrecked and is therefore not so much a ship as a shipwreck._

Will: Is that the Flying Dutchman?

Gibbs: Is the sky blue?

_Will looks._

Will: No, actually, it's more like...

Gibbs: Never mind. Yes, that's the Flying Dutchman.

Will: Doesn't look like much.

Jack: Neither do you.

Gibbs: What's your plan?

Will: Well, here's Plan A. If I approach from the southwest, I'll be in her shadow and less likely to be spotted, but to do that, I'll have to get on her other side, so I'll climb overboard here, carefully, so I don't make a sound, and swim under the Dutchman. Then I'll climb up, and remain inconspicuous until I find Jones. I'll try to negotiate with him for the key, and if that doesn't work, I'll come back, then return to the Dutchman in an hour to try and steal the key by stealth.

_Cricket, cricket..._

Jack: Well. There's some oxygen we'll never see again.

Will: Or, Plan B, I could just go over there and look for the key, and cut down anything in my path.

Gibbs: Most people would've said Plan B first.

Will: Oh...

Jack: It's okay. Not everyone can deduce the obvious.

_Ragetti and Pintel throw a rowboat overboard. Will climbs down into it._

Jack: One more thing! If, say, you do happen to get caught, just say that Jack Sparrow sent you to settle his debt.

Will: That'll save me?

Jack: Who knows, but it'll be interesting to see Jones's reaction either way.

_Will rows over to the Flying Dutchman. He looks around its deck, but sees only corpses, cadavers, and dead bodies. Then he sees a sailor frantically trying to raise a sail._

Will: Uh, dude, chill. The ship's run aground.

Sailor: Look out! We are so screwed!

Will: Um... huh?

_A corpse falls off the mast and dies. Will, for some morbid reason, turns it over. The man's face looks like some sort of demon cinnamon roll, and Will freaks out a little bit. Suddenly, the Flying Dutchman appears out of the water, and undead fish-men start rounding up those who are left on the wrecked ship, and still semi-alive. _

_When they move to take Will, of course, he fights them. He does well, making his sword into a sort of 18th century lightsaber, until he gets distracted by something shiny. Then one of Jones's fish-men knocks him out._

_When Will finally wakes up, he is kneeling in line with the four other survivors._

Will: Ow, dang it. Why hasn't aspirin been invented yet?

_Jones paces up and down the row of sailor-men._

Jones: What a pack of suckers you are. If I were you, I'd be scared to die. The man upstairs might not be too pleased with your pansyness. Lucky for you, I can help you there.

Surviving Sailor Sam: Liar!

_A fish-man kills Surviving Sailor Sam._

Jones: Any questions?

Scared Surviving Sailor: You're mean.

Jones: Live is tough. Then you die. That's just how things are.

Stupid Surviving Sailor: Pessimist.

Jones: If you guys don't want to oh, say, die, you can join my crew and postpone said death. Will you serve?

Scared Surviving Sailor: Yes!

Stupid Surviving Sailor: Count me in!

_Jones notices Will._

Jones: And what's up with you? You're not dead.

Will: No, but Squiddy's bonk on the head makes me wish I were.

Jones: That's not the point. You're not dying, either.

Will: Nope.

Jones: Then why are you here?

Will: Um... ?

Jones: Slower. And in English or fish. I don't speak whelp.

Will: Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.

Jones: Is that so? Well. I'm actually tempted to accept that offer.

_Jack is watching through his telescope, and sees Jones's face. He puts the telescope down, and Jones is standing on the deck of the Pearl. Whoa... how'd he do that? Jack and his crew have a minor freak-out attack, but before they can run away (to where?) the undead fish-men catch them._

Jack: Er... hi!

Jones: You owe me. You've been Captain of this mess for thirteen years now. That was our agreement.

Jack: It was, yes, but technically, I was only Captain for two years before I was viciously mutineed upon.

Jones: And whose fault is that? Besides, haven't you introduced yourself as Captain Jack Sparrow all these years?

Jack: Um... no?

Jones: Liar.

Jack: Um, well, I already gave you payment. The sword-happy pyro-eunuch over there.

Jones: One soul doesn't equal another.

Jack: Well, how many? How many souls do you think I'm worth?

Jones: One hundred. You have three days.

Jack: Splendid! Just send the boy back over here, and I'll have you your souls in no time at all!

Jones: No, I keep the boy. Consider him a deposit. Now you've only got ninety-nine more to go!

Jack: What? He's got to be worth at least... five souls? Four? Three-and-a-half maybe, but anyway, he's really a wonderful person, once you get past the eunuch thing. And he's in love. With a girl. And so, keeping them from being joined in holy matrimony would only be half as cruel as actually allowing them to follow through with the marraige. You do the math, mate.

Jones: I keep the boy. Like I said. Before you questioned me.

Jack: Ouch...

Jones: Ninety-nine souls. I've just got one question for you.

Jack: My favorite color is red.

Jones: Can you really live with yourself after you condemn this innocent man to a lifetime of servitude in your name?

_Jack pauses, contemplating._

Jack: Sure. Why not? Shall we seal it in blood? Or ink?

_Jones wraps a tentacle around Jack's hand, then disappears. Jack looks at his hand and watches the black spot disappear._

Jack: Gibbs... that was really gross.

Gibbs: Not as gross as that time you...

Jack: Never mind that.

Gibbs: Aye, Captain. But how are we supposed to come up with ninety-nine souls in three days?

Jack: Notice he wasn't specific as to what sort of condition these souls should be in.

Gibbs: Oh. Tortuga?

Jack: Yep.

_Jack wipes his slimy hand on Gibbs's vest._

Gibbs: Ew...

* * *

Surprise updates! No play practice, no band, and little homework tonight! I had fun with this chapter, hope you did too.


	13. Commodorely Angst

**Commodorely Angst**

_On board the ship where Elizabeth is hiding, the sailor dudes are sitting around arguing with each other._

Captain: Well, this sucks.

_The Captain throws a ream of paper across the room._

Captain: With the government taxing us to death, we'll probably end up working for the East India something or other.

Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: We could always go to Tortuga.

Captain: No way. I'm an honest man, and I sleep well at night.

Joseph R. Shelton: Then why do I always hear you muttering about crazy banana-weilding leapard seals every night?

Captain: Bad dream, okay? That's not the point.

_Suddenly, Elizabeth's dress is seen flying outside the window. Lowsley-Hughes sees it and points._

Lowsley-Hughes: Look at that!

_The Captain looks and sees nothing._

Captain: Very funny, guys.

_The dress flies by again, and this time the Captain sees it._

Captain: What did you guys put in the coffee?

Shelton: Nothing!

_The sailors run outside and see the dress floating around all by itself. Er, no, wait, not by itself. Elizabeth is up on the mast controlling the dress with a coathanger and string. The dress points._

Captain: She wants me to do something.

_Elizabeth makes the dress move so it knocks over a lantern and ignites the deck of the ship. The sailors, of course, are oblivious to the fact that their ship is on fire, and instead run after the dress and look over the side of the ship into the water._

Lowsley-Hughes: There's gotta be some sort of sign in the water.

Shelton: What's that there?

Captain: Looks like entrails.

Shelton: Eeww...

Lowsley-Hughes: That's probably a bad sign.

_Elizabeth climbs of the mast, in disbelief at the stupidity of the sailors. Their ship was on fire for crying out loud and they couldn't think of anything better to do than look at entrails in the water._

Elizabeth: What's that over there?

_The sailors look to where she is pointing and see the word TORTUGA written on the deck in fire. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is._

_Jack and Gibbs are already in Tortuga, recruiting souls. Gibbs has a nice little table set up, and prospective crew members are standing in a line to join the crew._

Gibbs: And what makes you think we should hire you?

Old Geezer: I promised myself I'd be a sailor before my 100th birthday, and I'm almost out of time.

Gibbs: Splendid! Sign the roster. Next!

Drunk Guy: Me wife ran off with my aunt's dog and married the horse, and now I'm so drunk I don't care what happens.

Gibbs: Awesome! Sign the roster. Next!

_Jack is sitting in the corner with his compass._

Jack: Please…?

_He opens the compass. It spins wildly._

Jack: (pout face)

Sucker: I suck at life and I'm terrified of heights.

Gibbs: Marvelous! Crow's nest for you. Next!

Wannabe Sailor: I've never seen the ocean, but I hear it's nice this time of year.

Gibbs: Uh, sure. Sign the roster!

Wannabe Sailor: Yay!

Jack: How many is that?

Gibbs: Counting those four?

Jack: No duh.

_Gibbs counts the names on the roster._

Gibbs: Four.

Jack: Great! Only ninety-five more to go!

Gibbs: Your optimism is vastly disproportionate to the actual progress we've made.

_Another guy walks up to Gibbs's table._

Gibbs: And what's your story?

Norrington: I had a good job, good status, I was rich and successful, but then I got my ship destroyed in a hurricane. The governor wouldn't pay me to pout about it, so I quit my job and came here to do the only logical thing left and drink myself senseless.

Gibbs: I don't suppose you've ever heard of Prozac…

_Norrington steals Gibbs's rum._

Gibbs: Hey, that's mine!

Norrington: Not anymore, sucker.

_Jack recognizes the ex-Commodore's voice, sarcasm, or both, and hides behind a leaf._

Norrington: I'm usually a respectable man, and not a complete scoundrel given to violent tendencies, but in this case at least I can blame the rum.

_Norrington overturns the table, then struts around the tavern like he owns the place, the way he used to do in Port Royal._

Norrington: I see you, Jack. I'm not that drunk. I know leaves can't walk.

_Norrington aims his pistol at Jack, who is astonished that his disguise didn't work._

Jack: Um... you're hired!

Norrington: Then consider this a mutiny.

Jack: Not again.

_Norringotn is just about to shoot Jack and end the movie when a random guy grabs his arm. The pistol fires off and breaks some guy's rum bottle. The guy looks at the guy sitting next to him, and logically, decks the guy. Everyone else attacks the person sitting next to them, initiating an all-out barfight. Norrington started it._

Jack: Let's get the heck out of here.

Gibbs: Right behind you.

_Jack and Gibbs make their way out of the bar. Jack keeps stealing people's hats and trying them on._

_Norrington has drawn his sword and is making a complete fool of himself by swinging it at anyone and everyone. However, he is much too drunk to be accurate, and isn't doing much damage. Elizabeth shows up and joins in the fighting. She and Norrington end up standing almost back-to-back against a pole, surrounded by sword-weilding Tortuga drunkards._

Norrington: I'll take you one-by-one, all at the same time! Then I'll take your rum! Drunk knows I'm not God enough!

_Elizabeth takes his rum bottle and knocks him out with it. The bouncers chuck the unconcious ex-Commodore into the pigpen._

_Mercer is creepin' in the doorway. Apparently he finds drunk guys fascinating. Or maybe he's trying to get the dirt on Elizabeth._

_Elizabeth kneels next to Norrington in the pig crap._

Elizabeth: For heaven's sake, James, what's wrong with you?

Norrington: Well, for one, I'm completely plastered and that's an understatement. Two, you hit me over the head with a bottle. Three, I'm laying in pig crap. Shall I go on?

Elizabeth: No, that's a pretty good list.

Norrington: I don't suppose you have any aspirin, do you?

Elizabeth: No, it hasn't been invented yet. You're not supposed to take that stuff with alcohol anyway.

* * *

Revised edition 2011.


	14. Family Reunions and Schizophrenics

**Family Reunions and Schizophrenics**

_Davy Jones is below decks on the Flying Dutchman, playing an organ with his face. Up top, crew members are finding it necessary to hoist a cannon. What they have against the traditional Jolly Roger is beyond me._

Random Undead Fish-man: Mr. Turner, tie it down!

_Both Will and Bootstrap rush off to tie it down._

Will: Move it!

Bootstrap: You move! I was here first!

_Bootstrap looks at Will, and for a moment thinks he's looking in a mirror, then he realizes who Will is._

Bootstrap: Holy crap.

_Will is now the only one holding onto the rope, and the cannon crashes to the deck._

Undead Fish-man Boatswain: Nice going, sucker. Five lashes as a reward.

Bootstrap: No!

Boatswain: Hindering my attempt to restore order to this ship? Fine then, you'll share in the punishment.

Bootstrap: I'll take it all.

_Davy Jones has apparently appeared out of nowhere. Again. He's got an uncanny knack for stuff like that._

Davy Jones: Oh really? Why's that?

Bootstrap: He's my son.

Davy Jones: That's fascinating. No, seriously, it is. Because guess what? You get to do the whooping.

Bootstrap: I won't do it.

Davy Jones: Fine. Then Tiny here will be more than happy to do it.

_Bootstrap steals the whip from the Botswain and gives Will five lashes. Then Will gets thrown down into the hold._

Random Fish-Man: Consider yourself lucky, sucker.

_Bootstrap comes and tries to help Will._

Will: Jerk. I don't need your help. Unless you have aspirin...

Bootstrap: No, sorry. It still hasn't been invented.

Will: Jerk.

Bootstrap: Hey, it was either me or the bo'sun. And he would have made you unrecognizable.

Will: So I'm supposed to understand that you were doing me a favor?

Bootstrap: Yeah. And hey, this way you'll have battle scars to show off to the ladies.

Will: Good point.

Bootstrap: A hundred years before the mast, and you'll slowly lose your mind. Then you'll end up like this guy. 'Sup, Wyvern.

_Wyvern, who is more like part of the wall than anything else, doesn't provide anything at all resembling a response._

Bootstrap: Once you've sworn an oath, you're pretty much screwed until the debt is paid.

Will: I didn't swear any oath.

Bootstrap: Then why are you still here? Get away while you still can!

_Will pulls the drawing of a key out of his pocket. Miraculous how it hasn't gotten lost in all that turmoil, huh?_

Will: Not until I find this. The key.

_Wyvern suddenly decides to listen, and pops out of the wall._

Wyvern: The Dead Man's Chest.

Will: Uhh... What about it?

Wyvern: Lots of stuff, actually, but I'll only tell you what's relevant. Shut up, Randy!

Will: Randy?

Wyvern: Oh, sorry, not you. The voices in my head were arguing again.

Will: Oh...

Wyvern: Stab the heart that is in the chest that gets unlocked by the key. No, don't stab it. The heart, that is. Stab the chest all you want. Stop it, Randy! I said, shut up! Sorry. Anyway, the Dutchan needs a captain, and the captain needs a living heart. No living heart, no captain. If there's no captain, there's no one to hold the key.

Will: But if there was no heart, no one would be needed to hold the key.

Wyvern: Don't complicate things. And no, Randy, I told you a thousand times, you are not fit to captain this ship.

Will: But the captain has the key?

_Wyvern hits himself in the head a couple times. Apparently "Randy" is being obnoxious again._

Will: Where is the key?

Wyvern: Hidden.

Will: Where is the chest?

Wyvern: Randy. I mean, hidden.

_Wyvern attaches himself back into the wall._

Will: On a scale of one to ten, with Jack Sparrow being ten and myself being one, I'd place him at about a nine-and-a-half.

Bootstrap: Told you people go crazy here.

* * *

Thought I'd have a little fun and make Wyvern schizophrenic. Did you know that schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder are different? Lots of people get it wrong. But anyway, hope you liked this. Next chapter I am going to have a lot of fun with. Mwahahahaha. Reviews are much appreciated!


	15. The Goat Tossing World Champion

**The Goat Tossing World Champion**

_The pirates are returning to the Black Pearl. Elizabeth, still dressed as a guy, follows Jack onto the ship._

Elizabeth: Captain Sparrow.

Jack: Come to join the crew, have you? Rock on. Welcome aboard!

Elizabeth: Actually, Jack, I've come to find the man I love.

Jack: Uhh... to each his own, mate, but I'm afraid I'm taken.

_Norrington pukes. Everyone turns to look at him._

Norrington: What? The thought of Elizabeth and Jack is nauseating...

Jack: Right. The rum had nothing to do with it.

Norrington: Nothing at all.

Jack: Liar. But anyhoo, Elizabeth, you say?

Elizabeth: Hi.

_Jack turns to Gibbs._

Jack: Hide the rum.

_Jack looks back at Elizabeth and puts on a charming grin._

Jack: Elizabeth... As marvelous as you look in that get-up, I'd rather see you in a dress.

Elizabeth: Do you think this makes me look fat?

Jack: No... Did I say that?

_Jack turns to Gibbs._

Jack: Did you hear me say that?

Gibbs: No.

Elizabeth: Screw it. I'm looking for Will, and I know he came after you. Where is he?

Jack: Well... funny story, actually...

Elizabeth: Jack, what did you do?

Jack: Me! Why is everything that happens around here automatically blamed on me?

Elizabeth: Because it's always your fault. Where is Will?

Jack: Well, he's not here...

Elizabeth: Yes, I know that. Where is he?

Jack: Uh... Elizabeth, darling! You look lovely today!

Elizabeth: I'll give you three seconds or the rum goes overboard.

Jack: He has been accidently press-ganged into the service of Davy Jones.

Elizabeth: Davy Jones?

_Ominous, dramatic theme music and climactic pause... then Norrington totally ruins the mood by blowing chunks into the bay._

Elizabeth: Do you mind? We're having a moment here.

Norrington: Whatever. The Dutchman of the Flying Captain?

Elizabeth: You're still drunk, James.

Jack: Not only that, but you look like crap.

Norrington: Wow, thanks.

Jack: What are you doing here?

Norrington: You hired me.

Jack: Not to puke everywhere I didn't.

Norrington: Not my fault if your standards are lax.

Jack: There is a preposterous odor about your person.

Norrington: Your face.

Jack: Your mom!

Elizabeth: Ladies, please. I still need to find Will.

Jack: Are you sure? Is that what what you really want?

Elizabeth: Well, yeah, I mean, we're only engaged.

Jack: Because I'd think that what you'd want most is to find a way to save Will.

Elizabeth: That's the same thing.

Jack: Almost. But not quite.

Elizabeth: So you have a way to save Will?

Jack: Pretty close. You see, there's this chest...

Norrington: Great. Here we go again.

Jack: A chest of unknown size and origin.

Pintel: It contains the still-beating heart of Davy Jones.

_Ragetti imitates a heart beating after it has been torn out._

Ragetti: Yeah. Thump-thump, thump-thump, like Darth Vader.

Pintel: Shut up, you idiot. Darth Vader?

Ragetti: Okay, fine, never mind.

Jack: And whoever has said chest, also has said heart, which gives said person the leverage to control said fishface and have whatever he, or she, wants. Including the possibility, even probability, of saving dear William from the clutches of the afore mentioned said fishface.

Norrington: Elizabeth, you don't actually believe this crap, do you?

Elizabeth: Well...

Jack: Ha. Sucker.

Norrington: Shut up.

Elizabeth: How do we find this chest?

_Jack holds up his compass._

Jack: Ta-da!

Elizabeth: Your compass?

Jack: My compass just so happens to be a compass of the unique variety.

Norrington: Your compass is an epic fail.

Compass: Hey!

Norrington: Did the compass just speak?

Jack: Of course not.

Norrington: But I swear it just said... Never mind. I'm so freaking drunk it doesn't even matter.

_Norrington walks of in search of somewhere else to puke, and spews all over the dock._

Elizabeth: That's charming, James.

Jack: I think you missed a spot...

Elizabeth: And people wonder why I didn't marry him. Anyway, let's talk about this compass. If it doesn't point North, where does it point?

Jack: Wherever you want it to point. That is to say, it'll point towards whatever you want most.

Elizabeth: Are you serious? If you're lying to me, I swear, the rum...

Jack: It's all true! Every word. Whatever you want most...

_Elizabeth takes the compass._

Elizabeth: To save Will.

Jack: No, we've been through this. You want to find the chest of Davy Jones.

_The compass starts to spin. Jack steps away for a minute, then peeks down at the compass once it stops spinning._

Jack: Mister Gibbs... we have our heading!

Gibbs: Finally.

_Jack offers his arm to Elizabeth._

Jack: Miss Swann...

_She takes his arm and they mosey along the deck. Norrington tries to follow, though he's still quite drunk and having a bit of difficulty standing up straight. Then, Ragetti stops him._

Ragetti: Welcome to the crew, former Commodore!

_Ragetti chucks a goat at Norrington. The goat hits him square in the chest and knocks him over, pinning him to the deck._

Pintel: Whoa, you must've chucked it at least twenty feet!

Ragetti: Really? You think so?

Pintel: Yeah! You could be Ragetti, Goat Tossing World Champion!

Norrington: As fascinating as this is, I am in need of some assistance.

Pintel: With what?

Norrington: If you haven't noticed, I am trapped beneath a goat.

Ragetti: What are you doing that for?

Norrington: You threw it at me.

Ragetti: You was supposed to catch it!

Norrington: Well, pardon me for my mistake. If you had informed me of your intentions beforehand, I might have been better prepared.

Pintel: At least you'll know for next time.

Norrington: Would you please get this thing off of me!

Pintel: Fine already. You don't have to get bossy. Geesh, people these days.

* * *

Revised edition 2011.


	16. SmartAleck Cartographer

**Nobody Likes a Smart-Aleck Cartographer**

_Back in Port Royal, in Beckett's office, some guy is painting map-shaped graffiti on the wall in Beckett's office. I guess Beckett finally did realize that his wallpaper sucks and wanted to cover it up. Or maybe he's just plotting world domination. Like that'll ever happen. (For those of you who didn't catch it... that was foreshadowing.)_

Beckett: Make sure you draw a nice gold star right where Beckettopolis will be.

Map Guy: Yeah. Gotcha.

Beckett: You better. Or I'll get you.

Map Guy: Yep. Since you're so scary and all.

Beckett: I am.

_Beckett whips Norrington's sword out of its case and swishes it through the air for dramatic effect. Either that or he had a death wish against the draperies._

Map Guy: Good job.

_Beckett assumes a more "intimidating" pose, and struts around the room, brandishing the sword. What a slimy jerkface. Nobody but Norrington is allowed to mess with that sword. That's just how it should be. And Beckett is probably dead last on the list of People Norrington Wants to Have Touching his Awesome Commodore Sword. That is, if such a list happened to exist._

_Governor Swann enters, minus the wig and nice clothes, and handcuffed. Beckett decides to play Intimidate the Governor._

Beckett: Oh yeah. Don't you think it's nice to know that the Earth is nice and square?

Map Guy: Dude, it's a circle.

Beckett: What?

Map Guy: Why do you think they make globes round?

Beckett: I thought that was so they'd roll better...

_Beckett isn't very good at Intimidate the Governor._

Governor Swann: Don't you think these handcuffs are a bit of overkill?

Beckett: Whatever do you mean?

Governor Swann: It's not like I'm going anywhere. Not since you've got this place surrounded by 250 of your officers.

Beckett: Is it really 250?

Governor Swann: Yes. Some of us can actually count past eight.

Beckett: Well you don't have to be a butthead about it.

Map Guy: I don't think anyone really says "butthead" anymore.

Beckett: I don't think anyone cares! Anyway, Mr. Governor-face, I brought you here because I thought you'd like to know where your kid is.

Governor Swann: Elizabeth? Where is she?

Beckett: I don't know.

_Mercer steps in and earns his paycheck._

Mercer: She's in Tortuga, hanging out with Jack Sparrow and other such suckers who are running from justice.

Governor Swann: Justice? You're kidding, right?

Beckett: Suckers such as the previous owner of this sword.

_Beckett tries to dramatically sheathe the sword, but he kind of misses and ends up stabbing a hole through a nearby chair._

Map Guy: That was real smooth.

Beckett: Shut up. Anyhow, my big boats are chasing the fugitives in question, and my groovy canons will pretty much annihiliate.

Map Guy: Here's a tip. Don't say "groovy".

Beckett: I hate you. Go away.

Mercer: Lord Beckett, sir, perhaps you ought to finish this round of Intimidate the Governor before you start another game.

_Beckett's second-favorite game is called Intimidate People who are Not the Governor._

Beckett: Fine. Anyway, Governor-guy, your offspring is pretty much screwed.

_Pause._

Beckett: Hint, hint... This is the part where you beg for mercy.

_The Map Guy thinks it kind of ruins the effect when Beckett tells the Governor to beg for mercy, but he keeps his mouth shut for the sake of his job._

Governor Swann: What do you want from me?

Beckett: Your scone recepie.

Governor Swann: That's it?

Beckett: Well, just that, and your authority as Governor, your influence with the King, your loyalty to the EITC...

Governor Swann: You mean, loyalty to you.

Beckett: Pretty much. Should I tell someone to remove these shackles?

Governor Swann: Well, since I'm going to agree to your little jerkface scheme, it would be a nice gesture.

Beckett: Oh yay! Groves, cut 'im loose.

Groves: You do realize that being a Lieutenant makes me authorized for more than just guard duty, right?

Beckett: Of course I do. But you are being punished.

Groves: I'm being punished?

Beckett: Oh, yes. Punished.

Groves: And for what, exactly, am I being punished?

Beckett: For not inviting me to Will's bachelor party.

_The Map Guy immediately erupts into laughter and points knowingly at Groves._

Map Guy: Oh, do you remember… Oh, no you probably don't, that was after you…

Groves: Yeah, I don't remember anything after that.

Map Guy: That's too bad, because it was awesome!

Groves: Oh, I'm sure it was!

Map Guy: Probably one of the highlights of the night, besides, of course, when you –

Beckett: HELLO! Someone is still waiting for the Governor to be cut loose here, per my instructions.

_Groves cuts the Governor loose then starts to leave._

Groves: For the record, it was totally worth the amnesia.

Map Guy: Too bad video cameras haven't been invented yet!

_Groves leaves quickly because Beckett is frowning and pouting at him. The map guy goes back to his, um, mapping. And Beckett finally returns to his round of Intimidate the Governor._

Beckett: I'll be wanting that scone recipie by tomorrow morning. Aunt Kyle and I have some cooking to do. Speaking of Aunt Kyle... has anyone seen him? It's his bath day.

Mercer: It's about time you had a bath day yourself, sir.

_Mercer runs away before he gets fired._

* * *

Revised edition 2011.


	17. Ultimate Poker

**Ultimate Poker**

_On board the Flying Dutchman, crew members are entertaining themselves. Some are staring off into space, some are telling their life stories, and others are playing some game involving dice. They used to play Go Fish, but then Davy Jones banished that game from his ship. He's kinda sensitive about fish jokes._

Hammer: I wager ten years.

Undead Fish-man Gerald: I match that bet.

Undead Fish-man Wilbert: Me too.

_Will stands watching the game. Bootstrap sneaks up behind him._

Bootstrap: BOO!!

_Will has a mild freak-out attack._

Bootstrap: You're jumpy today.

Will: Don't scare me like that! What do you want, anyway?

Bootstrap: Are you wondering how that game is played?

Will: I think I get it. They're all trying to fake each other out. But what are they gambling?

Bootstrap: Years of service, what else have we got?

Will: Oh. Fun. So... can any crew member be challenged?

Bootstrap: Yep.

Will: Anyone? Anyone at all?

Bootstrap: I could be mistaken, but I swear I just said that.

Will: Just making sure. I challenge Davy Jones.

_The entire crew gasps, and turns to look at Will. It's like one of those hokey cartoon movies where everything freezes and focuses on one guy who just announced that he likes to dance ballet or something. _

_Bootstrap is about to plead insanity for Will, when Davy Jones comes thudding onto the deck. How he heard that challenge all the way belowdecks, especially while he's playing the organ, is left up to interpretation. Undead Fish-man Wilbert claims that there's hidden microphones everywhere, and that Jones wears the earpiece under his tentacles. Undead Fish-man Gerald, however, thinks that Will and Jones had this worked out ahead of time, and did some sort of time-warp thing for the dramatic effect. Think what you will, but Davy Jones shows up, right on cue, to say his next line._

Davy Jones: I accept. What are the stakes?

Will: My soul. An eternity of servitude.

_Bootstrap goes into cardiac arrest._

Davy Jones: Against?

Will: I want this.

_Will throws the drawing of the key at Davy Jones. Davy Jones, once he untangles the drawing from his tentacle beard, looks at it and gives Will a look that says, "How do you know about the key?" Then he says it out loud, for those who aren't as adept at interpreting fishfacial expressions._

Davy Jones: How do you know about the key?

Will: That's for me to know, and you to find out.

Undead Fish-man Gerald: That is so second-grade.

Will: If you're chicken, you can still walk away.

Undead Fish-man Gerald: And that's so third-grade.

Hammer: Cork it, Gerald. No one asked you.

_Davy Jones is not chicken. He sits down at the table. Will and Davy Jones shake up their dice and set the little cup thingies on the table. Then someone else joins them. It's Bootstrap. Apparently Undead Fish-man Wilbert was kind enough to revive him._

Davy Jones: What are you doing?

Bootstrap: I wanna play too. I'll match his waver.

Will: Uh... no he's not. Alzheimer's.

Bootstrap: Is not. I'm in. I bet three twos.

Davy Jones: Four fours.

Will: Four fives.

Undead Fish-man Wilbert: AHH!!! Too much math!!!

_Undead Fish-man Wilbert runs away._

Bootstrap: Six threes.

Davy Jones: Seven fives.

Will: Eight fives.

Davy Jones: Haha, welcome to the crew, sucker.

Bootstrap: Sixty-seven thousand twelves.

_Everyone stares at Bootstrap._

Bootstrap: What? Are you saying I'm a liar?

_Davy Jones reveals all the dice._

Davy Jones: You're a liar and an idiot. Now you're stuck here forever. As for you, Little Turner, feel free to go. As soon as we make port.

_Davy Jones laughs, and the rest of the crew joins in, whether or not they got the joke is up for interpretation. Davy Jones leaves._

Will: He's right.

Bootstrap: About what?

Will: Well, for one thing, there were definitely not sixty-seven thousand twelves under those cups, idiot. What did you do that for?

Bootstrap: You were going to lose.

Will: It was never about winning or losing.

Bootstrap: The... key?

Will: Yes! I wanted to know where it was!

_Pause._

Bootstrap: Oh.

_Later that night, after the crew is mostly asleep, Bootstrap walks up to the Undead Fish-woman who is steering the ship. Yes, woman. You'll see in a minute._

Bootstrap: The captain says I'm supposed to take your place.

Undead Fish-woman Mildred: What? Why? Aren't I doing a good job?

Bootstrap: No, you're doing fine. He just doesn't want you to get tired.

Undead Fish-woman Mildred: I look tired? Are there dark circles under my eyes?

Bootstrap: No, I just said--

Undead Fish-woman Mildred: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???

Bootstrap: What?

_Undead Fish-woman Mildred runs away sobbing. Bootstrap is weirded out by Mildred's behavior, after all, he hasn't really dealt with any woman for a long time. And Will's mom wasn't nearly that irrational. Usually. _

_Will, meanwhile, is belowdecks, sneaking into Davy Jones's organ chamber. Davy Jones is asleep with his face on the organ, sustaining, all at the same time: a G chord, a B chord, an F minor chord, an A flat chord, and a D major chord. Needless to say, it's making an awful noise, so Will doesn't worry too much about waking the fishface. Will skillfully maneuvers his way through the tentacles to where the key is kept. He steals it, and in its place he puts the drawing of the key. Guess who's going to be more than slightly ticked off when he wakes up._

_Will goes up to the deck, where Bootstrap is waiting at the helm. _

Bootstrap: Here, take this.

_Bootstrap tosses a knife to Will. Will jumps out of the way and the knife stabs itself into the floorboards._

Bootstrap: You missed.

Will: I would've sliced my hand to ribbons if I had caught it!

Bootstrap: That's why you catch it by the handle. The side that isn't sharp. Don't you know anything?

_Will pulls the knife out of the floorboard._

Bootstrap: Anyway, get yourself to shore where it's safe. And don't worry about me. It was always in my blood to die at sea.

Will: So it was a fate you had to choose, was it?

Bootstrap: Well... no. I guess I could say I had to do it... turn pirate, to support you and your mom, but by golly, it's fun. Now get out of here.

Will: I'll come back for you, I promise.

Bootstrap: Sure, kid, you do that.

_Will starts to leave._

Will: And dad?

Bootstrap: Yes, son?

Will: Don't say "by golly". It makes you sound like Beckett.

* * *

I had fun with this chapter. Those that know me know how I like to exaggerate large numbers, which is where the sixty-seven thousand came from. And I even added in some "Bonus Beckett Bashing", just for fun. 


	18. Nobody Really Likes Beckett's Title

**Nobody Really Likes Beckett's Title**

_On board the Black Pearl, Jack, Elizabeth, and Gibbs are standing in the middle of the deck, glaring at the Letters of Marque. Norrington is swabbing the aforementioned deck._

Jack: Eew, it's Beckett.

Elizabeth: Actually, it's "Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company".

Jack: Yeah, but who can remember all that?

_Jack makes a face at the signature on the document. As if it's going to help._

Gibbs: Will was in cahoots with Beckett, and he never told us!

Jack: Not very nice of him.

Gibbs: Beckett wants that compass of yours, and there can only be one reason for that.

Jack: Of course. He wants to sell it on eBay for six times what it's worth, and not give me one cent of the profit.

_Everyone stares at Jack._

Elizabeth: What's eBay?

Jack: I actually have no idea. However, I imagine that Beckett wants the compass so he can find the chest.

Elizabeth: Beckett did say something about a chest.

Gibbs: Great. With that chest, Beckett and Company will control the entire ocean!

Jack: That would, to say the least, put us at a disadvantage.

Gibbs: Um. Yeah. Pretty much.

_Gibbs wanders away to try and make the ship go faster._

Jack: So, Elizabeth, how did you manage to get hold of these fascinating documents?

Elizabeth: Magic?

Jack: Really?

Elizabeth: No.

_Jack considers for a moment, then decides that this explanation, or lack thereof, is good enough for him. _

Jack: Kinda funny how Will goes about things in the noble way, being sure to keep all his promises, and yet, here you are with the prize, and, well, we've already discussed his current whereabouts.

Elizabeth: Yeah, thanks for that.

Jack: Anytime.

_Jack reads from the document._

Jack: "Full pardon, comissioned as a privateer on behalf of England and the East India Trading Company..."

_Norrington, the jerkface-to-be, hears this and looks over at the papers with interest._

Jack: I suppose it really means to say, "No jail time, but you'll be Beckett's personal slave for life." Ha. As if. What kind of a moron does he think I am?

_Jack puts the letters in his pocket._

Elizabeth: Hey, give those back.

Jack: Um, let me think, no.

Elizabeth: Give them back!

Jack: Persuade me.

Elizabeth: Will taught me to handle a sword, you know. I could so take you.

Jack: Like I said, persuade me.

_Jack walks away, trying to be suave. He doesn't quite succeed, but hey. He still makes Elizabeth smile and blush like a schoolgirl who's just been asked to dance by her first crush. Norrington walks over to Elizabeth._

Norrington: Don't look at him like that. It's creepy.

Elizabeth: Is not.

Norrington: Still, there was a time when I would have given anything for you to look like that while thinking about me.

Elizabeth: What are you talking about? I've always looked this way.

Norrington: Wow, you're a riot. Real hilarious. You know what I mean.

Elizabeth: No I don't.

Norrington: Oh, I think you do.

Elizabeth: That's retarded. I just trust him, that's all.

Norrington: Oh, yes. Of course, that's all. You trust him. So I'm sure you've never wondered how your latest fiance ended up on the Flying Dutchman.

Elizabeth: What's making you so sarcastic this morning?

Norrington: Hangover.

_Norrington leaves. Elizabeth, for some peculiar reason, takes out the compass and notices that it's pointing to Jack. Or, at least something in Jack's direction. Probably there was some seagull or something shiny over there, behind Jack, that the compass was really pointing to. However, Elizabeth interprets it the way most of the Jack/Elizabeth shippers do, and gets weirded-out. She contemplates throwing the compass either out to sea or at Jack's head, but then thinks better of it and just puts it in her pocket._

* * *

Yay... updates for Christmas almost-Eve. Short chapter, but I'll do the next one very soon, seriously. Haha. Believe me if you want, but it'll be up tonight, I think. Reviews are always super-welcome!


	19. Kraken Fight

**Kraken Fight**

_Will is sitting on a ship, wrapped in a blanket and holding a cup of hot tea, trying to not catch pneumonia._

Captain: I have to admit, it's a little strange to come across a longboat this far out in open sea.

Will: Wow, thanks for sharing. Let's just go somewhere else... really fast...

Captain: Are we running from anything in particular?

_Will kinda half-ignores, half-doesn't-notice the Captain's question. He does notice Elizabeth's wedding dress sitting on a chair. He goes over to it and looks at it._

Will: Where did you get this?

Captain: It's not what you think... We found it on the ship. The crew thought it was bad luck or something.

Will: That's dorky.

Christopher Lowsley-Hughes: You bet. Really dorky. Only a dork would think something like that.

Joseph R. Shelton: Only a really dorky dork. This dress, it's brought us good fortune. Its spirit told us to go to Tortuga, so, naturally, we did, and made quite a fortune there.

Captain: Off the books, of course.

Will: Sure, of course.

Captain: Of course.

Will: I imagine some of your crew may have jumped ship there.

Captain: Why?

Will: Umm... Well, I have this Uncle Thaddeus, and he--

_A random sailor guy named Thaddeus (not Will's uncle) comes running down the stairs. After he's done tripping over the last step, he tells the Captain that a ship has been spotted._

Thaddeus: A ship has been spotted! We can see it, sir, the ship, we can see it.

Captain: Colors?

Thaddeus: Well, it's kind of a brownish, like most ships...

Captain: I mean, a flag.

Thaddeus: Oh! None, then. No flag. None, sir.

Captain: Pirates...

Thaddeus: Pirates! Pirates, they could be pirates, sir, like you said, sir, pirates, you said!

Captain: Hey, Thaddeus.

Thaddeus: Yes, sir?

Captain: No more caffeine, okay?

Thaddeus: Is it that obvious?

Captain: Just a little.

_The other ship just so happens to be the Flying Dutchman. Funny coincidence, huh? Anyhoo, Davy Jones found out about Will's little switcheroo with the keys, and he's not particularly happy about it. He grabs Bootstrap._

Davy Jones: You, sucker, get to watch this. I hope you brought your popcorn.

_Davy Jones takes out a whistle and summons the Kraken. Bootstrap makes a weird face at Davy Jones's pansy little whistle, then he stops worrying about the whistle when he realizes the Kraken is coming to try and eat his son. Bootstrap has a semi-severe freak-out attack._

_Over on the other ship, Will is up in the crow's nest watching the Flying Dutchman, realizing that in about five seconds, he and his sailor friends are going to be toast._

Will: Crap.

_Something large hits the ship and Will falls out of the crow's nest. Why would he go up there in the first place? It's like the worst place ever to be during a Kraken fight. It's like eight million feet off the ground, and if he hadn't been a main character, he would have been splattered all over the deck. Which would have made a mess. Instead, he gets down safely._

Random Sailor Billy-Bob: What the heck was that?

Random Sailor Claude: I dunno. Maybe we hit an iceberg or something.

Will: Are you freaking retarded???

_Suddenly a Kraken tentacle appears and grabs the Captain, dragging him overboard._

First Mate Francis: Can I be Captain now?

_Another Kraken tentacle appears and grabs First Mate Francis. So much for his dream of being Captain._

Random Sailor Claude: That's no iceberg...

Will: Gee, ya think, Einstein??? It's the Caribbean for crying out loud!!

Random Sailor Billy-Bob: Kraken!!!

_Sailors freak out and run everywhere, screaming. Apparently, it doesn't help, because two seconds later, the Kraken eats the ship. Will, as if by magic (or the power of the screenwriters) survives. The Flying Dutchman comes up along the wreckage and looks for survivors. Again, magically, the screenwriters make sure he isn't seen._

Hammer: Mini-Turner isn't here. He must have been claimed by the sea.

Davy Jones: I am the sea.

Bootstrap: What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Davy Jones: For that comment, you'll go to the brig.

_Bootstrap is taken to the brig._

Hammer: What about the survivors?

Davy Jones: What survivors?

_Davy Jones kills the surviors. So much for them._

Davy Jones: Now, we're going to the island.

Undead Fish-Man Freddy: What island?

Davy Jones: The special island. You know, where the chest is hidden. We have to get there first.

Undead Fish-Man Freddy: First?

Davy Jones: Yeah, meaning, before Jack Sparrow does.

* * *

Updates for Christmas Eve! I'll get another chapter out soon! Agent047 likes reviews... :D 


	20. How to Escape from Buried Treasure

**How to Escape from Buried Treasure**

_Elizabeth is on board the Black Pearl, sitting on the steps, looking immensely depressed. Jack wanders over, and probably finds her just by chance._

Jack: Is there a problem? Because if there is, I swear I didn't do it.

Elizabeth: I just thought I'd be married by now.

Jack: Well, I could help with that.

_Jack gives his most charming grin._

Elizabeth: Eew, no.

_She stands up and wanders along the deck. Jack chases after her._

Jack: What? We're very much alike, you and I... I and you... us...

Agent047's English teacher: Actually, it's you and me.

_The English teacher disappears. Jack and Elizabeth ignore her for the sake of their own sanity._

Elizabeth: We're alike, except I'm ten times cooler and I smell better. Plus I'm prettier. And I'm not a pirate.

Jack: See? We could be the same person! Anyhow, you'll come over to my side, I know it.

Elizabeth: You know it, do you?

Jack: Yep.

Elizabeth: And why will I be coming over to your side?

Jack: Curiosity. You want to be able to do whatever you want whenever you want just because you feel like it. You want to know what that's like. Someday... you won't be able to resist it.

Elizabeth: Your stupid compass is broken.

Jack: Say what? My compass isn't stupid. And it isn't broken. You sound like Norrington.

Elizabeth: Whatever. So, if you and I are alike, there will come a moment when you have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.

Jack: I love those moments! I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Elizabeth: They don't wave back, do they?

Jack: Sometimes...

Elizabeth: That's what worries me.

Jack: Only that?

Elizabeth: Someday, when you take the chance to do something courageous, you'll discover that you're a good man.

Jack: Oh, I already know that.

Elizabeth: I have faith in you. You know why?

Jack: Because... I'm hot?

Elizabeth: Oh wow. Not even close.

_Jack pouts._

Elizabeth: Curiosity. You're going to want to be admired. You won't be able to resist. You'll want to know what it tastes like.

Jack: Does it taste like rum?

Elizabeth: You're hopeless.

_Elizabeth walks away. Jack notices that the black spot is back, and he has a minor freak-out attack._

Gibbs: Land ho!

Jack: Crap, where did I put that jar of dirt?

_Ragetti and Pintel are sitting in a rowboat, rowing. Jack and the jar of dirt are sitting in the back of the boat, and Norrington is sitting in the front of the boat. They were probably arguing, so Ragetti had to separate them._

Pintel: You're rowing too fast!

Ragetti: You're rowing too slow!

Pintel: I don't want to get eaten by the kraken, so I'm saving my strength for when it comes.

Ragetti: That's dumb.

Pintel: Is not!

Ragetti: Is too!

Pintel: Your mom is dumb!

Norrington: Shut up! You're both dumb!

_Pause._

Pintel: I don't think it should be pronounced "kraken" anyways. I've always heard it said "kray-ken".

Ragetti: What, with the long 'a'?

Pintel: Yeah.

Ragetti: That's weird. It's pronounced "kroken" in the original Scandinavian, and "kraken" is closer to that.

Pintel: Well, we're not original Scandinavians, are we? It's "kray-ken".

Ragetti: Is not!

Pintel: Is too!

Ragetti: Is not!

Pintel: Is too!

Ragetti: Is not!

Pintel: Is too!

Norrington: Shut up! There's no such thing as a kraken, so it doesn't matter! You're making my head hurt. Do you have any aspirin?

Ragetti: I don't think it's been invented yet.

_Finally the boat lands on shore. Everyone climbs out. Jack picks up a shovel._

Jack: Guard the boat, and don't touch my dirt.

Pintel: Why do we have to watch the boat?

Jack: Because you annoyed me.

Ragetti: Oh... I guess that makes sense...

_Elizabeth leads Jack and Norrington across the beach. She is following the compass, and then starts walking in circles. The compass's needle keeps pointing to Jack. _

Norrington: That's interesting, Elizabeth. It looks like the compass is pointing to...

Elizabeth: Shut up. It is not.

Compass: Elizabeth and Jack, sitting in a tree... K-I-S-S-I-N-G...

_Elizabeth chucks the thing at the ground._

Elizabeth: Stupid! It doesn't work. And it certainly doesn't show you what you want most.

_Elizabeth sits down on the ground and pouts._

Jack: You found it!

Elizabeth: I what?

Jack: You're sitting on it! Move!

_Elizabeth moves. Jack motions for Norrington to start digging._

Norrington: Why do I have to dig?

Jack: There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who don't suck, and those who dig. You dig.

_Norrington pouts, but he digs anyway._

_Ragetti and Pintel are getting bored._

Ragetti: I spy something... blue.

Pintel: The sky.

Ragetti: You're good at this game.

Pintel: My turn. I spy... something... blue.

Ragetti: The sky?

Pintel: No, stupid, the ocean!

Ragetti: Oh.

_Ragetti picks up a shovel and balances it on his hand._

Ragetti: Look at this! I could be in the circus!

Pintel: You could be in the circus anyway, in the freak show.

Ragetti: Hey!

_The Flying Dutchman is nearby, and Davy Jones notices Ragetti and Pintel through his telescope._

Davy Jones: Somebody go kill the helmsman, we weren't fast enough.

Random Undead Fish-Man: Okay, boss.

_The random undead fish-man goes to kill the helmsman._

Hammer: What do we do now?

Davy Jones: Well, we have two options. We could sit here, eat scones, and watch Gilligan's Island reruns, or we could go ashore and take the chest from them.

Hammer: I think we should go ashore and take the chest.

Davy Jones: Good answer. Don't fail me, or you'll end up like the helmsman.

_In the background, the random undead fish-man chucks the helmsman's body into the ocean._

Hammer: Right then... We'll get the chest.

_The Flying Dutchman submerges itself, which is a really neat trick. Ragetti and Pintel, however, don't take the time to marvel at the CGI. They hear the giant splash, and run for it._

_Jack is sitting on the beach, practicing yoga, while Norrington digs. Suddenly Norrington hits something hard. They pull a wooden chest out of the sand, and Jack breaks it open. Inside they find another chest. They put their ears to it and hear the beating of a heart._

Elizabeth: It's alive!

Norrington: You were telling the truth?

Jack: I do that quite a lot, actually. You people always find it so surprising.

_Will appears out of nowhere._

Will: Can you really blame us?

_Elizabeth runs to Will and hugs him. They kiss, while Norrington and Jack watch. Norrington looks like he's about to cry._

Jack: How did you get here?

Will: The coast guard rescued me with one of their helicopters.

Jack: What's a helicopter?

Norrington: What's the coast guard?

Will: I don't know. I made that up.

Jack: Then how did you get here? Magic?

Will: Yup.

Jack: Of course.

Will: But I do owe you thanks, Jack.

Jack: You bet you do. Why?

Will: Well, after you tricked me onto the Flying Dutchman to square your debt with Jones...

Elizabeth: What?

_Jack repeats her, sounding like he's sucked helium._

Jack: What?

Will: ...I was reunited with my father.

Jack: See? It all worked out then, didn't it?

Elizabeth: Jack, you jerkface, you lied to me!

Jack: Um... oops?

_Will takes out Bootstrap's knife and kneels next to the chest. Jack takes out his sword and points it at Will._

Jack: What are you doing?

Will: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm going to kill Jones.

Jack: Sorry, can't let you do that. See, if Jones is dead... who's going to tell his beastie to stop trying to eat me?

_Will takes Elizabeth's sword and points it at Jack._

Will: I promised my father I'd free him. I'm not a jerkface like you, and so I intend to keep that promise.

_Norrington takes out his sword and points it at Will, too._

Norrington: I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with Sparrow, but I can't let you kill it, either.

Jack: I knew you believed in me, deep down.

_Norrington points his sword at Jack, and Will points his sword at Norrington, so they form a triangle. A ridiculous-looking triangle. It's like they're five or something._

Norrington: Beckett wants that heart, and if I give it to him, I get my life back.

_Up until now, our friend Norrington had been one of the almost-good-guys. Now he's one of the almost-bad-guys._

Jack: The dark side of ambition.

Norrington: I prefer to see it as the promise of redemption.

Jack: You're in denial.

_Norrington starts attacking people, so naturally, they fight back. That's the second fight Norrington has started so far. _

Elizabeth: Stop it! You're acting like five-year-olds!

_Elizabeth throws rocks at them. They still ignore her. Ragetti and Pintel notice the commotion._

Pintel: What the heck? How'd this go all screwy?

Ragetti: Each person wants the chest for himself, and instead of working together to solve their collective problems, they've decided to attack each other with swords.

Pintel: Oh. That chest must be worth a lot, then...

Ragetti: It certainly is causing a lot of problems.

Pintel: I bet we could solve everything if we just removed that chest.

_Ragetti and Pintel go to get the chest. Elizabeth notices and chases them._

_Will, Norrington, and Jack are still fighting each other like idiots. They're tripping each other, throwing sand, and swinging their swords. They end up in this old building. Norrington trips Jack, and he grabs a rope that is connected to a bell, so the bell starts ringing. _

_The undead fish-men hear the bell and start towards the source of the noise._

_They're still fighting each other, and end up outside on the roof of the building. Jack steals the key from Will, then Will and Norrington turn on him._

Norrington: Excuse me while I kill the man who ruined my life.

Will: Have fun.

Jack: I didn't ruin your life, he did!

Will: Did not.

Jack: Did too.

Will: Did not!

Jack: Yes you did!

Norrington: Okay, okay! I'll just kill you both, how's that?

Jack: Well, I do hope you realize that if it hadn't been for him, you would've hanged me. Right? So it's actually his fault that you've ended up a suckerface loser who takes orders from pirates.

_Norrington takes a swing at Jack, but Jack jumps off the roof and escapes. Norrington turns on Will._

Norrington: He has a point, you know.

_He's just making excuses, of course. He won't admit to himself that it's his own fault that he's ended up without a job. Who decided to sail through a hurricane? And who, instead of trying to solve their problems the proper way, quit their job and went to Tortuga to drink himself senseless? Yeah. Exactly. But, Norrington won't admit it to himself, so he starts attacking Will._

_Jack trips and falls in a grave, while Will and Norrington start rolling across the island on the giant wheelie-dealie. Elizabeth is chasing Ragetti and Pintel, but soon the undead fish-men catch them and they're all fighting for the chest. What's fun is that they're one sword short, so they have to share. Jack ends up on the wheel for a while, but then falls off once he gets the key._

_Undead Fish-Man Larry steals the chest from Ragetti. Jack chucks a cocount at Undead Fish-Man Larry, and Larry's head falls off while his body wanders around._

Undead Fish-Man Larry's head: Hey! Over here!

_Jack goes over to the chest._

Undead Fish-Man Larry's head: To the left... other left!

_Undead Fish-Man Larry's body walks into a tree._

Undead Fish-Man Larry's head: No, stupid, that's a tree.

Jack: Oh, shut up.

Undead Fish Man-Larry's head: Make me.

_Jack drop-kick's Larry's head halfway across the island. Then he unlocks the chest, revealing a beating heart. He stuffs the heart in his shirt (ew) then closes the chest and runs away. Two nanoseconds later, Elizabeth, Pintel, and Ragetti run in and take the chest, not knowing that it's now empty._

_Jack runs to the rowboat and puts the heart in his jar of dirt. Elizabeth, Ragetti, and Pintel also make it to the boat with the empty chest. The giant wheel thingy rolls in, with Norrington and Will inside it. The wheel rolls out onto the water, then falls over. Will and Norrington climb out of the wheel._

Will: I think I'm gonna puke...

Norrington: Someone make it stop spinning...

_Will pulls out his sword and tries to stagger towards the fighting, but he falls over and can't seem to get back up. Norrington starts off in the wrong direction, trips, then stands up again and manages (somehow) to get over to the rowboat. He steals the Letters of Marque out of Jack's coat, then notices the spilled dirt._

_Ragetti and Pintel try to escape in the boat, but Will points his sword at them. They try to grab their own swords, but then realize that Elizabeth has them. Will takes the chest, and Jack "accidentally" knocks him out with an oar._

Jack: Oops...

Elizabeth: Will!

Jack: Leave him, unless you plan on using him to hit something with...

Elizabeth: We're screwed...

Norrington: I'll take the chest and draw them away.

_Norrington takes the chest._

Elizabeth: You're crazy.

Norrington: Don't wait for me.

_Norrington runs away with the chest. The undead fish-men follow._

Jack: You heard the man! Don't wait for him!

_The pirates leave in the rowboat._

_Norrington runs across the island, then trips over his own two feet and falls in a hole. He reaches for his sword, but undead fish-man Larry steps on it. (Apparently Larry found his head, he is now holding it under his arm.)_

Undead Fish-Man Larry: Nice try, sucker. We'll just kill you, then take the chest anyway.

Norrington: Think fast!

_Norrington whips the chest at Undead Fish-Man Larry, then runs away again._

* * *

Long chapter, but there aren't really any good stopping points here. Hope you liked it! (Reviews make me happy...) :D


	21. Kraken Fight Remix

**Kraken Fight Remix**

_Will wakes up on the Black Pearl with Elizabeth sitting next to him._

Will: Ow... Do you have any aspirin?

Elizabeth: Sorry. It still hasn't been invented.

Will: Where's the chest?

Elizabeth: Somewhere between here and wherever Norrington is... He took it.

_Ragetti and Pintel are nearby, arguing over the sails._

Pintel: You're pulling too hard!

Ragetti: You're not pulling hard enough!

Pintel: No, you're pulling too hard!

Ragetti: No I'm not!

Pintel: Yes you are!

Ragetti: Am not!

Pintel: Are too!

Ragetti: Am not!

Will: Shut up!

Gibbs: Jack, what have you done with the Ex-Commodore?

Jack: He fell behind.

Gibbs: Sucks to be him. Anyway, the important thing is that you're back, and we're clear.

_The Flying Dutchman surfaces next to the Black Pearl._

Gibbs: Holy crap...

Jack: You were saying...?

Elizabeth: Good job. You jinxed us.

_Gibbs hides. Jack goes to the railing, carrying his jar of dirt, and shouts over at Davy Jones._

Jack: Hey, fishface! Look what I've got! A jar of dirt!

Davy Jones: Uh... good for you?

_Jack trips and falls down the stairs. The entire crew cringes._

Gibbs: That's gonna leave a mark...

Davy Jones: Sucker.

_Jack holds up the jar of dirt._

Jack: Still got it! So, fishface, have you come to negotiate, you slimy git? Well, I have a jar of dirt! How do you like that?

_Jack sings._

Jack: I've got a jar of dirt, I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!

Davy Jones: Shut up or sing on key.

_The Flying Dutchman's cannons are slid out. Jack stops singing._

Jack: Oops.

_The Black Pearl turns and retreats, the Flying Dutchman chases and shoots cannon balls. The Pearl is slowly pulling ahead._

Elizabeth: We're winning!

Gibbs: Yep.

Will: You mean we're faster?

Gibbs: Going this direction we are.

_On board the Flying Dutchman..._

Undead Fish-Man Bob: We're out of range.

Davy Jones: So we'll stop chasing them.

Hammer: We've given up?

Davy Jones: Yes, we're giving up. Exactly.

Hammer: We are?

Davy Jones: No we're not giving up! That was sarcasm, idiot.

_Davy Jones takes out his kraken whistle._

Hammer: Oh... Now I get it!

_On board the Black Pearl..._

Marty: Hey look! They stopped! We win!! Yay!!

_The crew celebrates. Ragetti and Pintel do a dance. Jack notices._

Jack: Never, ever do that again. Ever.

Will: Jack, my father is on that ship.

Jack: That's... not my problem.

Will: If we can outrun her, we can take her!

Jack: Says who?

Will: We have to turn and fight!

Jack: We have to? No we don't. It's much more fun to negotiate. And a lot less likely to cause undesirable events such as death. All you need is the proper leverage.

Will: Hey... Stop ripping off my lines!

_Jack sets the jar of dirt on the ship's railing._

Jack: I am not ripping off your lines, squirt. I'm adapting them for my own purposes.

_The ship shakes and the jar of dirt crashes to the ground._

Jack: Whoops...

_Jack looks through the dirt, which is scattered everywhere and making a mess, but he can't find the heart._

Jack: No! It's gone! Why is it gone? Where did it go?

Elizabeth: Well, it didn't grow legs and walk away. Where did you see it last?

Random Pirate Levon: We must have hit a reef!

Will: A reef? Are you trying to sound stupid, or does it just come naturally to you?? Elizabeth, get away from the rail.

_Random Pirate Levon is not happy that his theory was just shot out of the air by an alleged whelp-eunich._

Random Pirate Levon: Well, if it's not a reef, what is it, Smarty-Pants?

Will: The kraken.

_Random Pirate Levon faints._

Will: To arms! It'll attack the starboard, I've seen it before. Get the cannons ready and hold for my signal.

Gibbs: What's the signal? How about an owl call?

_Gibbs immitates an owl._

Will: Never do that again. Just get the cannons ready.

_The pirates get the cannons ready. The kraken's tentacles are starting to climb up the side of the ship._

Will: Not yet...

Elizabeth: Uh, Will?

Will: Hold on...

Elizabeth: Hey, Will, funny story... But there are these giant tentacles...

Will: Almost...

Pintel: GIANT SUCTION CUP!!!

Will: Fire!

Ragetti: It's about time.

_The pirates fire the cannons at the kraken's tentacles, and the kraken retreats. The crew starts to celebrate again._

Will: It's not dead, just injured. It'll be back. Again. We have to get off the ship.

Elizabeth: Too bad there's no boats...

Will: Dang.

Elizabeth: Plan B?

Pintel: I have an idea!

Ragetti: Please tell me it's not something dumb like, impersonate Davy Jones or do a squid impression.

Pintel: Fine. You have a better idea?

Ragetti: I do, actually.

Pintel: And I hope it doesn't have anything to do with using jelly doughnuts as bait or building a giant lobster trap.

Ragetti: Okay, okay, fine.

Will: Here's what we'll do. We'll put all the kegs of powder in that net, drop it on the kraken, and blow it up.

Gibbs: Brilliant!

Will: Thank you.

Gibbs: I was talking about the jelly doughnuts... but explosions are cool too.

_Will gives Elizabeth a rifle and he and the other pirates load the kegs of gunpowder into the net._

Gibbs: Uh oh... There's only six kegs of powder...

Will: Then load the rum.

_The entire crew does another one of those cartoon-style gasps, where everything freezes, and they stare at Will in horror._

Will: It's either that, or you're all kraken chow.

Gibbs: Aye. The rum.

_Gibbs looks as if he's going to cry as he helps load the rum into the net. Elizabeth notices Jack rowing away from the ship._

Elizabeth: Jerkface scaredy-cat. If the kraken doesn't get him, I will.

_The kraken attacks again._

Marty: Big uh-oh...

_Jack is in his rowboat, pausing halfway between the Black Pearl and some random island. He takes out his compass to see where to go._

Jack: Dang it. Why did Elizabeth have to be right again? Women. They're impossible.

_The net is hoisted in the air, and Will gets caught in it. Elizabeth aims the rifle at the bundle of explosives, but doesn't shoot because she doesn't want to hurt her dear Will, who is still caught._

Will: Shoot! Elizabeth, shoot!

_A tentacle grabs Elizabeth's leg and pulls her away. Ragetti chops the tentacle off, and Elizabeth goes back to the rifle. Just as she grabs it, a boot steps on it so she can't get it. Elizabeth looks up and sees that it's Jack, trying to look cool._

Elizabeth: Cut it out already, just shoot the stupid rifle!

Jack: Fine.

_Jack picks up the rifle and shoots at the net, just as Will gets free and falls to the deck. The kegs of powder and rum explode, and the kraken retreats again._

Marty: Is it dead yet?

Gibbs: No. It'll be back again. Captain, what do we do?

Jack: Abandon ship.

Gibbs: WHAT?!!??

Jack: She's only a ship...

Gibbs: Who are you and what have you done with Jack?

Elizabeth: He's right. We have to get to land.

Pintel: That's a lot of open water...

Ragetti: A lot of water...

Pintel: I just said that, you fool!

_Pintel whacks Ragetti._

Ragetti: Ow.

Will: We have to try it. Into the longboat.

_They all get into the longboat, except for Jack and Elizabeth._

Elizabeth: Well, Jack, I guess I was right.

Jack: Were not. Right about what?

Elizabeth: You are a good man. I told you so.

Jack: Did you have to say that?

Elizabeth: Yep. I'm a woman, remember?

Jack: You're impossible.

_Elizabeth kisses Jack. The first of many Kisses of Death. Will notices the peculiar activity their lips are engaged in. AWKWARD. Anyway, Elizabeth finds some random, yet conveniently located, handcuffs and attaches Jack to the ship._

Jack: What the heck?

Elizabeth: Oops.

_Elizabeth goes to the rowboat with everyone else. Will keeps giving her weird looks and she can't figure out why._

Will: Where's Jack?

Elizabeth: He... uh... fell on his behind...

Gibbs: That's too bad. Let's go!

_They row away, and the kraken comes back. Jack manages to get out of the handcuffs just in time to face the kraken._

Jack: Oh... hi.

Kraken: ROAR.

_The kraken spits out Jack's hat. _

Jack: Hey, sweet, you found my hat! Thanks a lot!

_Jack puts his hat on, takes out his sword, and assumes a really cool-looking final pose._

Jack: Hello, beastie.

Kraken: I have a name, you know. Davy Jones calls me Clarence.

Jack: Oh, so sorry. Hello, Clarence.

_The kraken eats Jack, and takes the Black Pearl down as well._

_On board the Flying Dutchman, Davy Jones is watching through his telescope._

Davy Jones: Ha ha, sucker.

Hammer: Not even Jack Sparrow can beat the devil.

Davy Jones: What did you call me?

Hammer: Uhh... nothing.

Davy Jones: Open the chest.

_The chest is opened, and it is empty._

Davy Jones: Dang...

* * *

Sorry if it's not as funny, but this scene was hard to do!


	22. Commodore Jerkface

**Commodore Jerkface**

_Beckett is sitting at his desk, petting Aunt Kyle. Mercer walks in._

Mercer: The boats are back.

Beckett: Do they have the chest?

Mercer: Um... no.

Beckett: You're fired.

Mercer: But they have something else, Lord Beckett, sir.

Beckett: Scones?

Mercer: Um... no, actually.

Beckett: You're fired again.

Mercer: They found a man floating around in the ocean. And he had these.

_Mercer drops the Letters of Marque on Beckett's desk. Beckett picks up the letters and unfolds them. Norrington comes into the room._

Norrington: I filled in my name for you. I didn't think you could spell it.

Beckett: Of course I can spell "it". I-T.

Norrington: You're not particularly bright, are you?

Beckett: Do you have the compass?

Norrington: Not exactly...

Beckett: You're not very bright either, are you?

Norrington: I have something better.

_Norrington plops a bag down on Beckett's desk. The heart is inside, thumping._

Beckett: OMIGOSH! EEW! IT'S MOVING!!!

_Beckett flings the heart out the window. Norrington seriously questions his reasons for wanting to work for this man._

Mercer: Um. Lord Beckett, sir, don't you need that heart? Isn't it what you've been searching for?

Beckett: Oh. Right. You can go get it.

_Mercer leaves to go retrieve the heart._

Norrington: So... do I get my job back?

Beckett: Not exactly. You'll get something even better.

Norrington: Oh great... Should I be worried...?

* * *

This is the part of the movie where I most wanted our friend the former Commodore to die. If there had been a projectile readily available, chances are, I would have chucked it at the movie screen in the theatre. Sure, we all love Norry, but seriously, he's being selfish here. And I was not happy with him. Though I guess I kind of forgave him in the third movie, even though I wanted him to be stabbed or something. Yeah. I hope I wasn't too mean. And this is a long rambling paragraph. Hope you liked this short little chapter. I like reviews:) 


	23. Dramatic Moods and Theme Music

**Dramatic Moods and Theme Music**

_Elizabeth, Will, Gibbs, Ragetti, and Pintel are sitting inside Tia Dalma's creepy hut thing. Will keeps stabbing the table with Bootstrap's knife. Tia Dalma brings out a tray of cups._

Tia Dalma: Will, stop that. You're destroying my furniture.

_Will stops stabbing the table._

Tia Dalma: Here, everyone, drink this. It'll help, if it doesn't kill you.

_Elizabeth looks afraid of the liquid in the cup, but drinks it anyway. So does everyone else. Fortunately, no one dies._

Tia Dalma: Oh good! I got the recepie right this time!

Will: Like it matters. The Black Pearl is gone, Jack is dead, and we're a bunch of shipless, Captainless losers.

Gibbs: That about says it. Life sucks.

_Gibbs holds up his glass in a toast._

Gibbs: To Jack Sparrow.

_Everyone else also toasts to Jack._

Ragetti: There will never be another like Jack Sparrow.

Pintel: He was a gentleman of fortune, he was.

Elizabeth: Sure. Yeah.

Will: Elizabeth... I'm sorry there's nothing we can do to bring him back...

Tia Dalma: Actually, Turner Junior, there is.

Will: Oh... um... that's great...

Tia Dalma: So you'll do it? Would you? What would you be willing to do? Would you sail to the ends of the earth to bring back Jack and the Pearl?

Gibbs: I would.

_Ragetti and Pintel confer momentarily._

Pintel: We're in.

Parrot: What do I look like, a chicken?

Elizabeth: Of course I'd do it.

Will: Well, someone has to keep an eye on Elizabeth.

Tia Dalma: Marvelous!

Gibbs: Great. When do we leave?

Tia Dalma: Not so fast. Before you go sailing off to the ends of the earth, Davy Jones' locker, past all kinds of freakish stuff, you're going to need a Captain who knows those waters.

Will: Well, I'm no Captain, but I'll do my best to--

Tia Dalma: Not you.

Ragetti: It's Marco Polo, of course.

Pintel: Marco Polo? You're an idiot.

_Pintel whacks Ragetti._

Tia Dalma: Well, there goes the dramatic mood.

_Barbossa comes down the steps, trying to look really cool, but trips over the last step and falls on his face._

Barbossa: Ow! Dang it! Can I try that again?

Tia Dalma: I don't see the point.

Barbossa: Where'd my apple go?

_Barbossa looks for the apple, then sees that the monkey is eating it._

Barbossa: Forget it.

_Barbossa gets up and resumes his cool pose._

Barbossa: So, what have you done with my ship?

_Dramatic theme music plays._

_The end._

* * *

Well, that's the end! Hope you enjoyed it! Eventually I'll be doing AWE too. Leave a review and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading! 

-_Agent047_


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